Archive for 2019

Many of Us Are Even at Jim’s Level

Yuppie mom #1: Can you believe that there are people living in this city who make under two hundred thousand dollars?
Yuppie mom #2: Really?
Yuppie mom #1: Yes, I’d never do that. I wouldn’t want to live like a Huckleberry Finn.

The conversation then got too low for me to hear after they saw I was eavesdropping and giving them the evil eye.

–Riverside Park

America, Encapsulated

Fat man to woman next to him: Don't touch me, I just had surgery. If you touch me again I'm gonna call the cops.
Old man: She's only touching you because she's sitting next to you and you're overweight.
Fat man: Oh, so what? You're perfect?
Old man: No, I'm overweight, too.

–M31 Bus

Overheard by:

Wednesday One-Liners Are Rumored to Be Involved with Jennifer Aniston

Woman: I’m a real Star Trek fan. I particularly like this one guy, a Shakespearean actor — Patrick, uh, Patrick Swayze?

–B train

Loud guy on bike: Will gone up and left! Will Smith! Where’d you go, Will?!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Abram

Suit on cell: I mean, it was maybe the only time I ever wanted to give Mark Wahlberg a blowjob.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Rainey

Blonde on cell, walking dog, and wearing faux fur sweater: Yeah, Animal Fair… Like Vanity Fair, but with animals… It’s coming out soon… It’s going to be intimate — Sharon Stone and Emelio Estevez are going to be there!

–55th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: francesca

Passerby: Martin Short? Is he still in that?

–Across street from Martin Short&#58 Fame Becomes Me

Overheard by: Jeff of [tos]

Chick drops cocktail glass, breaking it.

Queer: If you didn’t look like Winona Ryder, I’d smack you.

–Ceilo nightclub

Itching, Burning, Flaking Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: I told him you had fucking mad STDs because he said he wanted to fuck you. (pause) You're welcome!

–Washington Square Park

Suit exiting cab: Yo, make sure you don't give him your number. He's got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, Astoria

Overheard by: OhKellyO

Blonde 20-something on phone: Either the universe just proved there is no god, or he is a motherfucking cunt! (pauses, then in low tone) Because… I think I have herpes.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: close enough to hear the herpes part

Thug to thugette: I didn't have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Overheard by: baconista

Guy on cell, leaning casually against fire hydrant: Hey, so, I just got my test results back, and… uh… so I got herpes. So… maybe you should get yourself tested. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jessica, listen, I… fuck. Sorry, Jennifer. No, I–no, I'm sorry, I've just been making this call a lot today. (pause) Hello?

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kytt