Archive for 2019

Ow! Nice Cuffs, Though

Man in knit hat, dirty shirt, and hood­ie ex­it­ing el­e­va­tor: Yo, what you sup­posed to be, a cow­boy?
Guy in cow­boy hat and fringe jack­et: Yeah, that’s right!
Man: Well, guess what — I’m a thug! Ha! [Turns to po­lice of­fi­cer stand­ing near­by] And what about you, you sup­posed to be a cop? That’s a shit cos­tume!

–DeKalb & Flat­bush

Over­heard by: John­ny Tremaine

Some Ur­ban Leg­ends Are More Plau­si­ble Than Oth­ers

Woman #1: I heard this train fell in­to the riv­er one time. Is that true?
Woman #2: I dun­no. I don’t see how it could. Maybe it could fall off to the side or some­thing, but straight down? How would it get off the tracks?
Woman #1: I heard it fell in­to the riv­er like nine years ago. Some­body told me that when I was in Mi­a­mi.

–J train, en route via Williams­burg Bridge

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Shit You Not

Dad to two lit­tle kids: Hur­ry. Hur­ry! Dad­dy just crapped him­self!

–27th & 7th

Man on cell: Yeah, at that point it was just one stool sam­ple too many…

–In front of Brook­lyn Acad­e­my of Mu­sic

Over­heard by: TMI

Col­lege dude to girl­friend in loud whis­per: I took such a good shit to­day. [Girl­friend smiles and kiss­es him.]

–PATH sta­tion, 14th St

Over­heard by: Ab­by

Girl: So I woke up the next morn­ing, looked over, and there was a hu­man shit a foot away from my head.

–Pu­ri­ty Din­er, Park Slope

Guy: That Mary Pop­pins… she’s a spoon­ful of shit!

–Times Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have Lost Their Group

Teenage boy tourist: Times Square is by far the coolest part of New York. It’s al­most like heav­en!

–Times Square

A tourist is cran­ing his neck to pho­to­graph the Em­pire State Build­ing.

New York­er: What is he look­ing at?! … Oh.

–34th & 5th

Tourist: There is­n’t any­where with­in walk­ing dis­tance.

–53rd & Lex

Over­heard by: Not a Clue­less Tourist

Hobo, af­ter steal­ing some­one’s lug­gage: Tourists need to be more care­ful when they come to New York City.

–6th Ave & 23rd St

Over­heard by: BOB Sled

Tourist drop­ping mon­ey in front of frozen fe­male mime he’s been star­ing at for five min­utes: That was tru­ly in­cred­i­ble. Thank you so much.

–Out­side Mo­MA

Tourist: I guess we should go to the Ground Ze­roes.

–5th Ave & 13th St

Over­heard by: Sal­ly Toma­to

Thug: Just push them out of the way. They’re tourists, they’ll love it.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: duff­duff

“I’m a Wednes­day One-Lin­er, I’m a Lover, I’m a Child, I’m a Moth­er…”

Teen chub­ster: She was like, “you skin­ny bitch,” and I was like, “I’m not skin­ny!”

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Mick­ey

Woman on cell: I make a *much* bet­ter cyn­ic than that, bitch.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

Man on phone: I ain’t gonna be the big­ger man; ain’t no bitch big­ger than her!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Iain Burke

Ju­bi­lant male on phone: Nig­ga, the slammest bitch­es are on 9th!

–32nd & 7th