Vendor: Crackerjacks! Crackerjacks!
Very drunk woman: Crackerjacks?! What about LSD??
–Keyspan Park, Coney Island
Overheard by: Jamie
Archive for May, 2020
Clearly You Haven’t Seen Her Creepy Scrapbook
Tween girl #1: He had a boner. It was so gross.
Tween girl #2: How do you know he had a boner?
Tween girl #1: I’ve known him since first grade. He had a boner.
Tween guy: How does knowing him since first grade have anything to do with knowing that he had a boner?
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Bryan
Actually It’s Battery. What’s Your Point?
Guy #1: You should punch her in the face.
Guy #2: I can’t, that’s assault.
–The Strand
Overheard by: Firefly
Wednesday One-liners’ Bun in the Oven
Guy: Of all the girls I am sleeping with or have dated, she is the one I would be least upset about if I got her pregnant.
–Brooklyn Heights
Jesus Isn’t Always the Answer, Y’know
NYU journalism professor: Okay, so who invented the European letter press in the 15th century?
Attentive female student in the back: Jesus!
(TA giggles)
–NYU
Ugh, I’d Prefer the AIDS
Russki #1: You can have my girlfriend.
Russki #2: I don’t want your girlfriend, she has AIDS.
Russki #1: Use a condom.
–Staten Island
Overheard by: R
No Vanity-Based Business Plan Can Fail in New York
Jamaican guy holding full length mirror: One dollar to look at yourself in the mirror! One dollar! I am the first to come up with this idea! Don’t steal it, or I’ll sue you… [He’s ignored.] Okay, first time is free! C’mon, first time free! Or gimme a quarter!
Laughing kid: Yo, what are you smoking, man?
Jamaican guy: I smoke blood! I don’t drink blood, I smoke blood!
Unrelated Jamaican girl: Why you so loud? Shut up already.
Jamaican guy: I’m sorry, ma. You’re so beautiful. I look at you, I just can’t believe how beautiful you are. How ’bout you gimme one dollar, look in the mirror?
–6 train
Overheard by: Sam McDermott
Now, Just Sign this Confession, and We Can Get the Plea-Bargain Started
Ghetto guy #1: Where were you?
Ghetto guy #2: I had to go sign some autographs.
–Marillac Hall, St. John’s University
Don’t Overthink It, You’ll Ruin Him
Guy with Mohawk drinking a beer: That guy over there is half Asian and half black.
Friend in skinny jeans: That’s so postmodern!
–The Cock, 2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Trevor From Seattle
That’s the Least Successful Children’s Book Ever
Guy #1: The Great Cock Hunt? Isn’t that a Hunter S. Thompson novel?
Guy #2: No, you idiot. It’s a gay porn site. What kind of mo are you?
–Starbucks, 23rd & 8th
