Archive for July, 2020

Glad We Cleared That Up

El­der­ly woman on cell: Rho­da! Rho­da! It’s Es­ther! DID YOU CALL ME? NO? Oh, well some­one called me! I can’t be­lieve it! Why would some­one call me on this thing?! All I want to do is be able to make a call, I don’t want to have to deal with these mes­sages and things!

[Makes an­oth­er call] NOR­MAN?! NOR­MAN? You called me?! Why in the world would you ever call me?! NOR­MAN? [To the rest of the car] It was my hus­band.

–Penn Sta­tion-bound LIRR, near Ja­maica Sta­tion

You’ll Nev­er Be the Man Your Moth­er Was.

Girl­friend: You could just be gay.
Boyfriend: I don’t want to be gay! I just wan­na be a woman.

–Hous­ton & Lafayette

Head­line by: Paul S

Run­ners-Up:

· “ ‘Cause surgery is eas­i­er than com­ing out” — Becky

· “Be All You Can’t Be” — Mike D

· “Cant have a man-made pussy and eat it, too” — N. Del­wood

· “Ca­reer day coun­selors nev­er know what to ex­pect” — pe­ter

· “It’s all pil­low fights and boo­bies ’til you start PM­S­ing.” — mthy

· “Michael Jack­son’s Cos­met­ic Surgery Con­sul­ta­tion Gets Hos­tile” — kane, okc

· “The long-await­ed yet unan­ticipt­ed an­swer to ‘Tell me what you want, what you re­al­ly, re­al­ly want’ ” — cinekat

· “Tran­sex­u­al does not a ho­mo­sex­u­al make” — i like men too

· “Vagi­nas: The Con­so­la­tion Prize” — sh

· “Your Phan­tom Limb Will Still Want To Stem The Rose” — el­robinder


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Par­ty!

Con­cerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of get­tin’ like, an STD or some­thing? Don’t you use con­doms?
Con­fused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we did­n’t. I mean, he’s been com­ing in­side me for like a year now and noth­in’ ever hap­pened. (points to bel­ly, im­ply­ing she’s preg­nant)
Con­cerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Con­fused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16–almost 17.
Con­cerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wan­na go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Con­fused teen girl: I’ll take my ba­by with me!

–E Train

Head­line by: Er­i­ca Neu­mann

Run­ners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Sin­gle Non-Palin Head­line on This One” — two­fer­rets
· “Ju No What I’m Talk­ing About?” — Bar­ry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Per­cent Jägermeister…” — Who Does­n’t Love A Drunk­en In­fant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bris­tol Palin Joke Here Some­where…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those El­mo Back­packs?” — All by my­self.

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

…As I Will Ex­plain on All My Col­lege Ap­pli­ca­tions.

Blonde sev­enth grad­er, about Holo­caust: Yeah, like, I’m Jew­ish on my mom’s side, you’re Asian. So, ba­si­cal­ly every­one in our class would have died from the Nazis.
Asian sev­enth grad­er, to oth­er friend: Ex­cept for Lau­ra.
Lau­ra: What? Why?
Asian sev­enth grad­er: Be­cause you’re white.
Lau­ra: I’m not white! I’m like… Pink­ish or some­thing.

–93rd St & Am­s­ter­dam

…But Not Re­al­ly

Girl: When I look back on my life, I’m not go­ing to think about trips I went on or re­la­tion­ships I had, I’ll be think­ing about tele­vi­sion pro­grams I watched.
Guy: That’s hor­ri­ble!
Girl: Well I was on­ly kid­ding!

–86th and Lex

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Dim­mer Than a Flint­stones Night Light

Gay guy to friend: I may be gay but I’m not stu­pid.

–The Flame Din­er, 58th St & 9th Ave

Woman to man: But they were on­ly stop­ping the dum­b­ass­es… That’s why they stopped your dumb ass.

–W 66th St & Am­s­ter­dam Ave

Over­heard by: Su­san Vol­chok

(Blonde is hav­ing trou­ble hail­ing cab dur­ing rush hour)
Gyp­sy cab dri­ver in town car: No one will take you cuz you’re stu­pid!

–116th & Broad­way

20-some­thing guy to girl: It’s eleven and it will take you till one to get home, then I’ll call you and tell you how stu­pid you are.

–4th St Sub­way Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Glad I’m not dat­ing him

Girl: Alex­is, we’ve been over this. You’re stu­pid.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Cros­by

Bim­bette, yelling in­to cell: Yo! Look who you’re talk­ing to–I’m not ex­act­ly the smartest per­son in the world!

–Am­s­ter­dam Ave

Over­heard by: dumb as a rock