Archive for November, 2020

America, Encapsulated

Fat man to woman next to him: Don’t touch me, I just had surgery. If you touch me again I’m gonna call the cops.
Old man: She’s only touching you because she’s sitting next to you and you’re overweight.
Fat man: Oh, so what? You’re perfect?
Old man: No, I’m overweight, too.

–M31 Bus

Overheard by:


Wednesday One-Liners Want to Be a Part Of It

Suit: That’s why I can’t help but love New York. New York is like the sick uncle that touches you when no ones around.

–Grand Central Terminal

Girl, after passing a tourist bumping into her: In New York we say “excuse me!”

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Overheard by: The City Planner

Guy to friend: Are we in the inner city or just the city?

–1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walking out of Penn station: You know what’s great about going out in New York City? You can get completely bombed and it’s no big deal, because you’ll probably never see those people again, you know?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like “shitter.”

–96th & Columbus Ave

Now, Less Than Ever

Salesguy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find anything?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The perfume’s too much for us.
Salesguy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we’d pass out eventually.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don’t want that. Ambulances are bad for business.
Salesguy: I’ve always wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance!
Chick #2: Um…
Chick #1: Actually, it’s a bit of a role reversal. We’re waiting for my husband to finish shopping.
Salesguy: Oh, which one is your husband?
Chick #1: He’s right there.
Salesguy: The one with the ponytail? Looks like a vampire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that’s him.
Salesguy: Boy, you’re one lucky lady.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Salesguy: Hey, does he have a brother?
Chick #1: Yes.
Salesguy: Just kidding. Does he have a sister?
Chick #1: No.
Salesguy: Oh. Well, I was still kidding. You sure you don’t want to come in?

–Outside The Body Shop, 76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox