Archive for December, 2020

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Go for the Jugu­lar

Slut­ty girl: Yeah, we were both drunk and he hit the wrong hole. I’ve been shit­ting blood for two days.

–Citi Field Sta­di­um

Gay guy: I mean… She made my dick bleed.

–St. Mark’s

Over­heard by: jax

Chick laugh­ing hys­ter­i­cal­ly on cell: I know! So much blood came out of his ears!

–Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: Fresh Man

Black man on phone: This car was ripped in half, they had to cut this dude out with the jaws of life, he come out bleed­ing from his eye sock­ets and shit. (pause) So you wan­na meet up lat­er?

–Willough­by & Van­der­bilt

The Film­ing of Back to School II

Ed­die Iz­zard: We’ve ex­plored space, but we haven’t drilled down. You all re­mem­ber Jour­ney to the Cen­ter of the Earth. Why don’t we just drill down to the cen­ter and see the…what’s it called?
Guy: Mag­ma.
Ed­die Iz­zard: Yeah, we’ll get a heat re­sis­tant cam­era and we’ll see the mag­ma. And they’ll make a doc­u­men­tary–
Guy: It would­n’t work.
Ed­die Iz­zard: Eh?
Guy: The den­si­ty would be too in­tense.
Ed­die Iz­zard: No, we would take the rocks out be­hind us–
Guy: No, the air would be too dense. As you ap­proach the cen­ter of
the earth, the den­si­ty of the air in­creas­es.
Ed­die Iz­zard: But what if you took the rocks out?
Guy: No, the air would still be too dense.
Ed­die Iz­zard: Oh, well I guess you would know bet­ter than I. You must be some sort of sci­en­tist?
Guy: Ac­tu­al­ly, I’m an actor…but I took sci­ence class.

–The Vil­lage The­atre, Bleeck­er Street

But How Will You Put Me to Sleep?

Six-year-old boy push­ing shop­ping cart: Dad­dy, look! Beer!
Dad: Yes, that’s beer.
Six-year-old boy: We have to get some beer.
Dad: No, we’re not get­ting any beer to­day.
Six-year-old boy, bummed: Okay, we won’t get any beer to­day.

–Grist­edes Su­per­mar­ket, 40th & 2nd

Does Psy­cho Killer Start with P?

Girl: I’m think­ing of an an­i­mal that starts with a P.
Guy: Por­cu­pine?
Girl: No. Wait, are those big smears of blood all over that sub­way map?
Guy: I think they’re paint.
Girl: They’re to­tal­ly blood.
Guy: [looks hard­er] Yeah, you’re to­tal­ly right… Pen­guin?
Girl: Nope!

–1 train

Over­heard by: djlindee