Archive for 2020

And I’m Still Smarter Than You. That’s Got­ta Burn

Hip 18-year-old daugh­ter: Mom, stop laugh­ing! I’m like the least fun­ny per­son I’ve ever met.
Mom, laugh­ing: No, you’re so fun­ny! You al­ways have been! It’s like you have an ex­tra chro­mo­some or some­thing. (walks in­to an apart­ment and clos­es door be­hind her be­fore her daugh­ter and her friend can fol­low).
Girl’s friend: So, you’re re­tard­ed. You have an ex­tra chro­mo­some. You’re fuck­ing re­tard­ed.

–87th & East End

Over­heard by: So­phie

Jim Gaffi­gan: The Hor­ror!

Loud woman: You said you’d had Hot Pock­ets!
Qui­et woman: No, I…
Loud woman, in­ter­rupt­ing: Yes, you did! You told me you had had Hot Pock­ets!
Qui­et woman: I haven’t had Hot Pock­ets in weeks. Not since Evan*‘s par­ents were in town.
Loud woman: You told me you did just days ago! You lie! Li-ar!
Qui­et woman: No, I said the rea­son I had cake for break­fast is that I *ran out* of Hot Pock­ets!

–6th St & Ave A

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

But Pos­si­bly Al­so Be­cause I Keep Get­ting Crabs

Barnard girl #1: I was at this par­ty, and there was this guy, but I promised my­self I would stop hook­ing up with strangers.
Barnard girl #2: Right.
Barnard girl #1: But, like, I still don’t un­der­stand why it’s bad to hook up with strangers all the time.
Barnard girl #2: Maybe it’s be­cause you’re, like, us­ing each oth­er’s bod­ies.
Barnard girl #1: Maybe.

–Le Monde Cafe

Over­heard by: this is awk­ward

This Would Be a Great Start to a Hor­ri­ble Sit­com

Drunk girl in stall #1: I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do now. My ex took the apart­ment.
Drunk girl in stall #3: That hap­pened to my friend, but she’s a hook­er now.
Drunk girl in stall #1: Oh my god, re­al­ly?
Drunk girl in stall #3: Yeah…but she knows this guy who can get me a re­al­ly good deal on coats. You want one?

–Wom­en’s bath­room, Tomp­kins Square Park

Over­heard by: Sober girl in stall #2

“Dear Di­ary– I Talked to a Girl To­day!”

Girl, cough­ing with hand on mouth: Cough, cough, cough.
Crazy Down­town Al­liance work­er, cough­ing on her and scream­ing: This ain’t no posh street, I get peo­ple cough­ing on me all day long! Shit, I don’t need this. I’m go­ing to sweep this street and then I’m go­ing to cough on all y’all.

–Broad­way & Maid­en Lane