Archive for 2020

De­sign­er Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Yup­pie mom to daugh­ter try­ing to pet duck: Melis­sa! The ducks don’t want you touch­ing their heads. Ac­tu­al­ly, as a rule of thumb, don’t touch bird’s heads, any heads… I don’t want to get a com­plaint that you’ve been pat­ting some­one’s head!

–Pond, Prospect Park

Yup­pie clad in yo­ga out­fit: Yeah, but here’s the thing: I ac­tu­al­ly think co­conut wa­ter tastes like shit.

–25th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: (me too, but I’ve nev­er ad­mit­ted it)

Yup­pie girl: And I said to her, ‘I’m not racist. My best friend is black.’

–110th & Am­s­ter­dam Ave

Over­heard by: ROTIROLL

Yup­pie guy: So I went back, but all there was was a door la­beled “wc,” and I as­sumed that meant women and chil­dren…

–Carmine St

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

She Blind­ed Wednes­day-One-Lin­ers with Sci­ence

Teen thug: You know, if you put’em on hot they dry faster. On hot the clothes dry faster.

–Kings­land Ave & Jack­son Ave., Willams­burg

Over­heard by: con­fab­u­la­tion na­tion

Hip­ster on cell: She thinks the en­tire world re­volves around her. What is she, the sun?

–Union Square

Would-be physi­cist: Did you ever hear of mag­net­ic re­pul­sion? Be­cause I swear to god that door has an east­ern pole or some­thing.

–Wal­greens Drug­store, Union Square

Over­heard by: kbot

Guy: So, you’ve dis­sect­ed cats be­fore?

–Lafayette & Cen­tre St

Over­heard by: Janelle

Loud chick: So I was look­ing on the In­ter­net to learn more about our plan­et and bio­di­ver­si­ty and shit, and there’s like five more ex­tinc­tions sup­posed to hap­pen! You know, like the di­nosaurs and shit!

–Ray’s Piz­za, E Hous­ton

Over­heard by: just vis­it­ing!

Soc­cer mom: He has had some re­al­ly hard so­cial stud­ies stuff… Like why the sea­sons change and the how the earth moves around the sun.

–War­ren Fields, Mur­ray & West Side High­way

Over­heard by: Soc­cer Nan­ny

They’ve Got Their ‘Good Barista / Bad Barista’ Act Down to a Sci­ence

For­eign­er: Ex­cusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 hold­ing steamed milk: No. You or­dered a Doppio. You don’t get no milk in a Doppio.
For­eign­er, hold­ing drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don’t get no fuckin’ milk! Or­der a fuckin’ lat­te, and then I’ll give you some of this milk! You can pour your­self some of that stale shit from over there, but you don’t get none of this milk!

Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the cus­tomer some milk.

Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain’t Valen­tine’s Day — don’t you get emo­tion­al. It’s some oth­er hol­i­day. Hell, it’s Christ­mas. [To cus­tomer] Here you go, sir! Mer­ry Christ­mas!

–Star­bucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Oh, and Speak­ing of Ass­holes …

Guy #1: Dude, are you okay? You look ex­haust­ed.
Guy #2: I am. My life is so weird right now.
Guy #1: Still work­ing on the di­vorce?
Guy #2: That’s pret­ty much fi­nal­ized, ac­tu­al­ly. It’s this girl I start­ed see­ing last week.
Guy #1: Wait, you’re dat­ing that hot Russ­ian chick?
Guy #2: Yeah, Svet­lana*. She’s a to­tal nympho — I haven’t slept in days. She won’t leave my crotch alone. Plus, when­ev­er we’re go­ing at it she keeps call­ing me ‘Mas­ter.’ It’s fucked up.
Guy #1: You just lost any chance at sym­pa­thy, ass­hole.

–D train