Bodega guy to old Dominican guy: What’s up, sister?
Old Dominican guy: I got your sister swinging!
–Throop & Vernon
Overheard by: johnny
Archive for 2020
Wednesday One-Liners Seek Asylum
Chick on cell: God, is she crazy? Even I wouldn’t do that, and I’m a total slut.
–39th St & 3rd Ave
NYU girl on cell: Yeah, she really is a crazy bitch. At least I’m getting a book out of it, though. I’m going to call it Next Year I’ll Be in a New Room, But You’ll Still Be Fucking Nuts.
–Washington Square Park
Conductor: Someone has lost a bag of marbles in the cafe car. I repeat, we have a bag of marbles found in the cafe car. Has anyone lost their marbles?
–Amtrak, Penn Station
Communications & media studies professor: I don’t mean to pontificate, but this is the last day of class and I have some important advice for you — never sleep with anyone who is crazier than you are. It can get you in a lot of trouble.
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Switching Departments
10-year-old boy waiting for mom: Hooray, hooray, I’m insane, I’m insane, okay!
–Outside Met Food, Cortelyou Rd & E 16th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Leela
Unless You’re Talking about the Bird, in Which Case, I’m Intrigued
Queer #1: What would you like to do tonight?
Queer #2: I wanna get high off your dickie.
Man: Ewww.
–Sam Ash Music Store, Queens
And Clay Aiken-Gay, Not Oscar Wilde-Gay
Foreigner: What was with those guys in Brokeback Mountain? Are all cowboys dumb?
Girl: They weren’t dumb, they were gay.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Sara McGrath
Now Get Back Up on That Horse
Blonde: My boobs shrunk ever since I got that abortion.
Brunette: No, they still look good.
–Restroom, Crobar
So why was she wearing a Chris Isaak t‑shirt?
Young Asian woman at a party on the Lower East Side: “…and it turns out that Chris Isaak asked me out only because he has an Asian fetish, and he’s apparently dated every Asian girl in San Francisco, I was creeped out…”
Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Lot Better Now
Guy to friends: A girl farted on my head once, and I dated her for three years.
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: MC
Woman to friend: And then he farted in my mouth.
–Ding Dong Lounge
Overheard by: Rosalind
Hobo, farting loudly, turning at girl walking behind him: That’s for you, you fucking bitch!
–Yellow Line Subway Station
Overheard by: Craigalanche
Latina on cell, firmly: I’m not bi-curious, I’m just fart-curious
–49th & 5th
Overheard by: olga
Crazy hobo: Once, I was eating Cracker Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I finished the box, I farted in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week later, I got the surprise of my life!
–1 Train
Overheard by: nella
Maybe Somewhere They Sell Mangina
6th grader boy: So, my whole life I’ve heard pussy is great…
6th grader girl: And?
6th grader boy: Well, I tried it… and it ain’t that great.
6th grader girl: Why?
6th grader boy: It tasted weird. (pause) Next time I’ll buy it from somewhere else.
–116th St & 2nd Ave
Maybe If You Stopped Calling Them That?
Black guy #1: She’ll probably holla at you before she hollas at me, though.
Black guy #2: For real! That’s how white bitches are!
–Metropolitan Ave, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
That’s a Rosary, Sadie.
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, but it was okay because my anal beads, as usual, did the job.
Hipster girl #2: Really? Because they just haven’t been working for me lately.
–Union Square
