Archive for 2020

Non-Re­cy­clable Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­duc­tor: Please throw away your news­pa­pers and garbage in the trash cans on sta­tion plat­forms and know that the trash cans can on­ly hold two hu­man bod­ies at a time.


New York Post guy: New York Post! Free New York Post! (hands huge stack of pa­pers to passer­by) Thanks, broth­er. Just throw the rest in the trash can down the block.

–40th & 6th

Car­riage dri­ver to horse: You see that chest­nut? That’s called “Eu­ro­trash.”

–Cen­tral Park South

Over­heard by: Andy

Gi­ant old man to scream­ing and jump­ing chil­dren: You look like Garbage Pail Kids. Stop it.

–Madi­son & Nos­trand, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: g

Con­duc­tor: Please place any­one who has be­come garbage en route in the ap­pro­pri­ate re­cep­ta­cle.

–R Train

Over­heard by: Jess

Woman walk­ing down the street with a small bag of garbage: Fuck it. (drops bag of garbage non­cha­lant­ly, keeps walk­ing)

–W 19th

Ug­gs Are So Over

Old la­dy leav­ing The Tony Dan­za Show #1: Gra­zie!
Old la­dy leav­ing The Tony Dan­za Show #2: Why did­n’t you wear the right shoes?
Old la­dy leav­ing The Tony Dan­za Show #1: No, no, these are fine.
Old la­dy leav­ing The Tony Dan­za Show #2: Aaaah, blow me. They’re ter­ri­ble.

–66th be­tween Colum­bus & Cen­tral Park West

Over­heard by: Mo­joSaves

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Girl: Is it spring that makes the cher­ry blos­soms bloom, or the cher­ry blos­soms that make spring bloom?

–Hunter Col­lege cafe­te­ria

Over­heard by: Traczie

Tourist chick look­ing at sub­way map: Is the Irish pub on here?

–6 train, Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: Dee Phunk

Woman on cell, look­ing at di­rec­tions: Num­bers go up, right?

–23rd & 6th

Over­heard by: V

Tourist girl: Man­hat­tan is an is­land?! Is it a man-made is­land?

–N train

Over­heard by: Sir­ius

Chick to friend: What re­li­gion is Bud­dha the king of?

–Cen­tral Park

Blonde: Why haven’t they just fixed the econ­o­my al­ready?

–L train

Over­heard by: wid­der­shawns

Know­ing is Half the Bat­tle

Teen boy #1: Man, I tell you, da rea­son France don’t want us in Iraq is dat dey know the sec­ond we done in Bad­dad we is head­ed right over the bor­der and straight in­to Paris.
Teen boy #2: Nig­ga, you’se is ig­no­rant. Iraq ain’t next to no France.
Teen boy #1: Nah man, I ain’t sayin it is right up on France, but, you know, it goes Iraq, Ger­many, some otha coun­try, then France, so it is close.
Teen boy #2: Ain’t you eva seen no map? I’­ma gonna show you when we get to school. That shit is in Africa, be­tween Lidia and Egypt.

–F train

Over­heard by: Ed Sal­cedo

Guy: I asked you if you knew where he lived; you point­ed to Iraq!
Girl: Well, I don’t know. How was I sup­posed to know?
Guy: Iraq is not the same as Is­rael.

–Du­ane Reade, 28th & Park

Over­heard by: Jack B

Hap­py Birth­day, Mithras!

Red State Girl: Is that a ham­mer in your bag?
Deal­er: Yeah. It’s a metaphor. ‘Cause Je­sus was a car­pen­ter, see. And I walk with Je­sus.
Red State Girl: Oh.

–29th Street & 7th Ave.

Over­heard by: M. Mar­tin

Lois Com­mutes be­tween Ado­ra­tion and Homi­ci­dal Rage

Black woman, to eight-year-old white girl: I love the white peo­ple. You are so cute. I would babysit you. Come here.
White woman: Yes, give the lit­tle white girl a hug.
Black woman, to girl: If any­one fucks with you, I’m gonna be fuck­ing with them.

–47th & 8th

Over­heard by: alx­ie