Archive for 2020

Some­one Needs to Put That on a T‑shirt

Queer: Want to apol­o­gize to every­one who you cut in front of?
Chick: Fuck you!
Queer: Ew! Well any­way, we hope you had a good time in there.
Chick: Fuck all of you!
Queer: You prob­a­bly took a shit in there, did­n’t you? I bet you did! Fat girls are al­ways shit­ting!

–Slip­per Room, Or­chard Street

Gui­do on cell: Yeah, there was bitch­es dancin’ on the bar and shit…No, no, my fin­gers is cold…
Bag la­dy: Fuck your fin­gers! I ain’t got shoes on, ya dumb twink!

–48th & 8th

Over­heard by: Fish the Mag­ish

Dude: What about him?
Chick: “Oh, hell no. I ain’t no fat­ty­banger!

–Union Square sta­tion

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Join the Jet Set

South­ern woman on cell: I could not feel worse than I do right now…You will…Oh my god, they are gonna have to land that air­plane so you can vom­it.

–66th be­tween CPW and Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Char­lie

Dirt­bag: Man, I have to get over to Eu­rope. I got­ta sell a fuck­ing kid­ney.

–St. Mark’s Place

Man on cell: Yeah ba­by, yeah, I’m still in Lon­don. Yeah, I’ll be back on Wednes­day, ba­by.

–West 4th & Jane

Con­duc­tor: You’re now en­ter­ing the coun­try of Brook­lyn. Please have your pass­ports ready…

–F train

Over­heard by: Paul Eng

Smooth As a Wednes­day One-Lin­er’s Bot­tom

Girl: So, I saw this woman us­ing her ba­by as a weapon, and I was like, ‘I don’t think you should be us­ing your ba­by like a weapon.’

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Ga­by

Woman on cell with her man: Daaamn! Your ba­by-ma­ma be cock-blockin’.

–F train

Girl: I don’t want AIDS, I just want his ba­by!

–Queens

Blue col­lar Yan­kees fan about fa­ther’s car, to friends: I nev­er did noth­ing to that car… ‘cept I burned a cig­a­rette hole in the seat. I did do that. But noth­in’ else. I drove that car like a ba­by.

–E train

Over­heard by: John G

Preg­gers on cell: I’m in la­bor right now, but it’s okay be­cause I told the ba­by that they have to wait a while. I still need to eat, and I want to take my time and en­joy this meal. Any child of mine can come af­ter.

–Ec­co, Cham­bers St

She Un­der­stands Ac­ces­sories

Man in pa­per hat, leather jack­et cov­ered in so­da can tabs, and poofy skirt over jeans: She comes in and she comes home and breaks my heart, and the worst part is that I don’t un­der­stand her lan­guage. I’m bet­ter off with… [Steps back to peer at mag­a­zine a girl is read­ing] I’m bet­ter off with that one. What’s her name? Turn the page back one. Yeah, her. Tyra? Tyra. I’m bet­ter off with Tyra.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Brownsvil­le­girl

The Un­bear­able Light­ness Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Rasta­far­i­an man to white bas­ket­ball fe­male play­er with dreads: Hey! Why you white peo­ple al­ways try­ing to look like me!

–Union Square

Black guy sell­ing Em­pire State Build­ing tick­ets: You’re from Scot­land? I love the Scots… They’re pu­u­u­u­u­u­ur­rreee white!

–Out­side Em­pire State Build­ing

Black woman to an­oth­er, about frat guys near­by: Man, white peo­ple are so loud.

–109th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Becks

Black hobo to white teen: Get out of this neigh­bor­hood with your white crotch! You don’t be­long here!

–Up­per West Side

Black woman to cops walk­ing away: But I’m a Cau­casian!

–Bed-Stuy

Guys Fool­ish­ly Be­lieve It’s All About Mon­ey and Pe­nis Size

Girl to friend: I mean, it’s not like I’m ask­ing for a lot!
Friend: Of course you’re not!
Girl to friend: All I ask for is that when we go out to karaoke, that he re­al­ly wants to sing his heart out. All I want is for a man to want to go to karaoke with me every week­end. It’s like I’m tor­tur­ing him or some­thing!
Friend: What!? No! That’s ridicu­lous!

–25th St & 8th Ave