Archive for 2020

Baby, You Can Drive My Wednesday One-Liner

Hispanic girl to group of friends: Ugh now I have to be the one who drives drunk, and I can’t get another DUI!

–118th St & Amsterdam

Conductor: Let go of the doors in the front, please! We do have somewhere to go. This is not your own personal stretch limo. Thank you! (doors close)

–4 Train

Overheard by: agreed.

30-something on cell: The guy called me an anti-Semite. I said, I’m not an anti-Semite, I’m an anti-people who can’t drive.

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Bro to others: Hondas and spoilers go hand in hand. Just like women and vaginas.

–NYU

Overheard by: Brianna

We’re Sure There’s a “Brazilian Rainforest” Joke in Here Somewhere

Student #1: She’s from the Dominican Republic, right?
Student #2: Um, yeah, I think so.
Student #1: Is she classy…?
Student #2: Eh, not really, no. At the meeting the other day, she was wearing a skirt. I could see her cooch.
Student #3: [Just joining the conversation] What’s a cooch?
[Silence.]Student #1: Her vagina.
Student #2: Her forest. Except it was barren. There were no trees. Barren.

–Columbia University

“Drop It Like It’s Hot” Is About Food Safety?

Mom to little girl: I told you not to pick that slice of pizza up, it’s too hot.
Little girl: It’s not too hot mommy. I eat it now!
Mom, sternly: I said to put it down now. It’s too hot and you will burn yourself. Put it down!
Little girl, slightly scared: Okay, mommy. (she drops pizza on plate and looks discouraged)
Mom, with attitude: Yeah. That’s what I thought you’d do.

–Pizza Place, Penn Station

Overheard by: jim hill

I’m Manic and She’s Depressed

Wife to front desk nurse, pointing to man: Me and him, we’re made for each other.
Husband: Yeah, because we’re both a mess.

–Neurologist Office, Brooklyn

Judge Us by the Hotdogs in Our Hands and the Beer Spouting From Our Hats

Chick leaving bar to friend: That’s it, I have given up on New York men!
Guy in Yankees shirt: Hey! Don’t judge us by guys from Queens.

–Bohemian Beer Garden, Astoria

Overheard by: Mike H

Headline by: Nicola

Runners-Up:
· “…but by Our Slick Taste in T‑Shirts!” — Ijudgeyou
· “His Argument Would Carry More Weight If He Wasn’t Peeing Against a Brick Wall at the Time” — James
· “It’s Like Judging Americans by George Bush” — Allison
· “Just by Guys Who Hang Out in Queens” — From Brooklyn
· “Otherwise You’d All Be Lesbians” — Katie Darling
· “There Are Four More Boroughs Waiting to Disappoint You” — AngusM

Click here to see the new Headline Contest