Archive for 2020

Ba­by, You Can Dri­ve My Wednes­day One-Lin­er

His­pan­ic girl to group of friends: Ugh now I have to be the one who dri­ves drunk, and I can’t get an­oth­er DUI!

–118th St & Am­s­ter­dam

Con­duc­tor: Let go of the doors in the front, please! We do have some­where to go. This is not your own per­son­al stretch limo. Thank you! (doors close)

–4 Train

Over­heard by: agreed.

30-some­thing on cell: The guy called me an an­ti-Semi­te. I said, I’m not an an­ti-Semi­te, I’m an an­ti-peo­ple who can’t dri­ve.

–Williams­burg, Brook­lyn

Bro to oth­ers: Hon­das and spoil­ers go hand in hand. Just like women and vagi­nas.

–NYU

Over­heard by: Bri­an­na

We’re Sure There’s a “Brazil­ian Rain­for­est” Joke in Here Some­where

Stu­dent #1: She’s from the Do­mini­can Re­pub­lic, right?
Stu­dent #2: Um, yeah, I think so.
Stu­dent #1: Is she classy…?
Stu­dent #2: Eh, not re­al­ly, no. At the meet­ing the oth­er day, she was wear­ing a skirt. I could see her cooch.
Stu­dent #3: [Just join­ing the con­ver­sa­tion] What’s a cooch?
[Silence.]Student #1: Her vagi­na.
Stu­dent #2: Her for­est. Ex­cept it was bar­ren. There were no trees. Bar­ren.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

“Drop It Like It’s Hot” Is About Food Safe­ty?

Mom to lit­tle girl: I told you not to pick that slice of piz­za up, it’s too hot.
Lit­tle girl: It’s not too hot mom­my. I eat it now!
Mom, stern­ly: I said to put it down now. It’s too hot and you will burn your­self. Put it down!
Lit­tle girl, slight­ly scared: Okay, mom­my. (she drops piz­za on plate and looks dis­cour­aged)
Mom, with at­ti­tude: Yeah. That’s what I thought you’d do.

–Piz­za Place, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: jim hill

I’m Man­ic and She’s De­pressed

Wife to front desk nurse, point­ing to man: Me and him, we’re made for each oth­er.
Hus­band: Yeah, be­cause we’re both a mess.

–Neu­rol­o­gist Of­fice, Brook­lyn

Judge Us by the Hot­dogs in Our Hands and the Beer Spout­ing From Our Hats

Chick leav­ing bar to friend: That’s it, I have giv­en up on New York men!
Guy in Yan­kees shirt: Hey! Don’t judge us by guys from Queens.

–Bo­hemi­an Beer Gar­den, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Mike H

Head­line by: Nico­la

Run­ners-Up:
· “…but by Our Slick Taste in T‑Shirts!” — Ijudgey­ou
· “His Ar­gu­ment Would Car­ry More Weight If He Was­n’t Pee­ing Against a Brick Wall at the Time” — James
· “It’s Like Judg­ing Amer­i­cans by George Bush” — Al­li­son
· “Just by Guys Who Hang Out in Queens” — From Brook­lyn
· “Oth­er­wise You’d All Be Les­bians” — Katie Dar­ling
· “There Are Four More Bor­oughs Wait­ing to Dis­ap­point You” — An­gusM

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test