Archive for 2020

And Will­ing to Share Her Meth

Guy: So, Rob slept with that trail­er trash chick last night.
Girl: Holy shit! Which one?
Guy: The meth-head-look­ing one. You don’t think she looks like to­tal trail­er trash?
Girl: Oh my god, she had trail­er trash ooz­ing out of her fuck­ing pores!
Guy: So why were you talk­ing to her half the night?
Girl: What­ev­er. She was re­al­ly nice.

–Ter­race ta­ble, Blue Wa­ter Grill, Union Square

Over­heard by: ebiz­zle

By Shoot­ing Him

Guy to girl­friend: You did­n’t even in­vite me in! You did­n’t treat me as good as you’d treat any oth­er cus­tomer! (lat­er) No, the next time some dude tries to give you his num­ber, you take it, you un­der­stand? That way, I can hunt him down and tell him you aren’t in­ter­est­ed, and he’s in­ap­pro­pri­ate!

–1 Uptown/Times Square

Over­heard by: ggirl

It De­pends on Whether She Swal­lows

Girl #1: Aw, he sent me a mes­sage that says “Sweet dreams, gor­geous.”
Girl #2: Hmm. Is­n’t that what they say to Mafioso girl­friends be­fore they slit their throats and throw them in the East Riv­er?

–Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: djlindee

Yup­pie #1: …and it’s not just be­cause she’s a chick.
Yup­pie #2: Yeah, it’d be the same if she were a dude.
Yup­pie #1: To­tal­ly! And it’s not be­cause I re­al­ly like to work, be­cause I don’t.
Yup­pie #2: To­tal­ly!

–Dock­’s Oys­ter Bar, 40th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter

Where’s the Cli­max to This Sto­ry?

Guy #1: Last sum­mer I was hangin’ out in Rich­mond for a week­end and me and some oth­er peo­ple were havin’ a par­ty and some­one gave me and this girl a pill and told us it was painkillers.
Guy #2: Oh yeah? Sounds like…fun.
Guy #1: Well the next day, af­ter we had had sex in a pool in front of like 30 peo­ple for about 10 hours, the girl who told us it was painkillers told us it was ac­tu­al­ly Cialis.

–CVS, 23rd & 1st

Over­heard by: katie fa­ca­da

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Spell It “Am­i­nals”

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Died for Our Sins

Hip­ster: So I was walk­ing down the street, and I saw Je­sus, and then I was like, ‘Hey, how’s it go­ing, Je­sus?’

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Kanad

Sub­way preach­er: The ocean is full of wa­ter. Je­sus changed wa­ter in­to wine. It’s all good. Michael Jack­son called it ‘Je­sus Juice.’

–Rock­e­feller Plaza sub­way

Over­heard by: G‑Lime

Queer: I re­placed my imag­ing of Je­sus as a trans­ves­tite se­r­i­al killer to an im­age of Je­sus as a mil­i­taris­tic ter­ror­ist…

–1 train

Queer to an­oth­er: I think Je­sus loves Hal­loween.

–23rd St, be­tween 7th & 8th

Over­heard by: adam

20-ish guy: Let me get this straight — it’s spelled like ‘Je­sus,’ but it’s pro­nounced ‘Hey-Seuss’? That’s just weird.

–49th & 8th

Over­heard by: Jo­Bell

Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a hand­some man and think to your­self, ‘I want him to be my sug­ar dad­dy.’ Oh, yes! And he be­comes your sug­ar dad­dy, and he takes you to Ma­cy’s and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then lat­er he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you re­al­ize that it is not he who is your sug­ar dad­dy, it is re­al­ly Je­sus Christ who is your sug­ar dad­dy! Oh, yes!

–4 train