Archive for 2020

Jews for Wednesday One-Liners

Nine-year-old boy to friends: Don’t be talking smack about Jesus. He was one of our greatest presidents!

–Q train

Overheard by: J‑Lo

Hip chick in black whose dog poops in street: No! No! Jesus fucking Christ! [Looks up and notices she’s in front of large church.] Oops.

–71st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: She didn’t even pick it up

High school boy: He’s like a fat homeless Jesus who stole a rich man’s coat.

–Bronx

Soccer mom to another: You know, Friday nights are always a great time for Jesus.

–82nd and Columbus

Overheard by: Just bought a bottle of Jack to share with Jesus

Student on phone: All I have to say about being friends with Jesus is that unlimited fish sandwiches and wine doesn’t sound like a bad deal.

–NYU

Crazy guy: Praise Jesus! But stay outta my way — I will stab you.

–W 17th St

Overheard by: dawllyllama

Girl to friend: I mean, come on — who really cares about Jesus?

–Elevator, NYU Silver Center

Why Thorazine Is Contraindicated for Service Employees

Yankee fan: Yeah, I’ll have a grilled chicken sandwich and a vanilla iced coffee.
Apathetic cashier: Crispy chicken sandwich?
Yankee fan: No, grilled, sorry about that – I thought I said grilled.
Apathetic cashier: And you wanted a Diet Coke?
Yankee fan: No, a vanilla iced coffee.
Cashier: Oh.

–McDonald’s, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Rachel W.

I’m Putting You Down As a “No”

Guy #1: Yo, could you ever double team a girl?
Guy #2: Yes. Don’t care if there’s a naked dude right next to me, I’d rail the bitch with him. Eiffel Tower that shit.
Guy #3: Fuck that. I’d feel mad weird being naked next to another naked guy, just banging some girl… Maybe I could do it if I had my clothes on. Like, I could just fuck her through the fly. That way it wouldn’t be weird.

–East Village

Overheard by: Hiromi

Sadly Not Beyond the Realm of Possibility

Kid presses call button on commuter hotline phone.

Father: Why did you do that?
Son: I’m sorry. I didn’t know what it was.
Father: If you do that again the police will arrest you.
Son: Really?
Father: Yes, George Bush will come and take you to jail.
Son: What?
Father: He will kill you and put your picture on the Wall of Memories [Ground Zero feature].

–World Trade Center PATH station