Drunk girl: My sister is coming! You have to be nice to her!
Guy: Yeah, sure… Who are you, again?
–Attorney & Houston
Overheard by: tj
Archive for 2020
Jews for Wednesday One-Liners
Nine-year-old boy to friends: Don’t be talking smack about Jesus. He was one of our greatest presidents!
–Q train
Overheard by: J‑Lo
Hip chick in black whose dog poops in street: No! No! Jesus fucking Christ! [Looks up and notices she’s in front of large church.] Oops.
–71st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: She didn’t even pick it up
High school boy: He’s like a fat homeless Jesus who stole a rich man’s coat.
–Bronx
Soccer mom to another: You know, Friday nights are always a great time for Jesus.
–82nd and Columbus
Overheard by: Just bought a bottle of Jack to share with Jesus
Student on phone: All I have to say about being friends with Jesus is that unlimited fish sandwiches and wine doesn’t sound like a bad deal.
–NYU
Crazy guy: Praise Jesus! But stay outta my way — I will stab you.
–W 17th St
Overheard by: dawllyllama
Girl to friend: I mean, come on — who really cares about Jesus?
–Elevator, NYU Silver Center
Now the Hallucination’s Speaking to Me
Guy on cell: Um, I think I just saw Tony Danza ride past me on roller blades.
Tony Danza: Yeah, ya did!
–Central Park
Overheard by: Long Distance Learner
We Beg to Differ About Kathleen Turner
Foreigner: She is lovely. But growing like a cow.
American friend: She is bit of a pork chop.
Foreigner: But she does not look like a man. Which is a good thing.
–6 Train
Why Thorazine Is Contraindicated for Service Employees
Yankee fan: Yeah, I’ll have a grilled chicken sandwich and a vanilla iced coffee.
Apathetic cashier: Crispy chicken sandwich?
Yankee fan: No, grilled, sorry about that – I thought I said grilled.
Apathetic cashier: And you wanted a Diet Coke?
Yankee fan: No, a vanilla iced coffee.
Cashier: Oh.
–McDonald’s, Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Rachel W.
For Missing All the Free Games
Drunk Jets fan #1: If I was a bird or a bat, I’d live in a stadium.
Drunk Jets fan #2: Well, yeah, otherwise you’re just stupid.
–PATH
I’m Putting You Down As a “No”
Guy #1: Yo, could you ever double team a girl?
Guy #2: Yes. Don’t care if there’s a naked dude right next to me, I’d rail the bitch with him. Eiffel Tower that shit.
Guy #3: Fuck that. I’d feel mad weird being naked next to another naked guy, just banging some girl… Maybe I could do it if I had my clothes on. Like, I could just fuck her through the fly. That way it wouldn’t be weird.
–East Village
Overheard by: Hiromi
Can I Interest You in Some Sausage?
Drunk girl to random sober guy: Bacon! My hands are like bacon!
Sober guy: What are you, drunk?
Drunk girl: Just very, very, very hungry.
Sober guy: Proceed.
–NYU
Sadly Not Beyond the Realm of Possibility
Kid presses call button on commuter hotline phone.
Father: Why did you do that?
Son: I’m sorry. I didn’t know what it was.
Father: If you do that again the police will arrest you.
Son: Really?
Father: Yes, George Bush will come and take you to jail.
Son: What?
Father: He will kill you and put your picture on the Wall of Memories [Ground Zero feature].
–World Trade Center PATH station
From Every Other Kid in the Shoe
Four-year-old boy: You’re so mean to me, mama!
Mom: Yeah, I get that all the time.
–Commodities Natural Market, 10th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Richelle
