Little boy picking up candy bar: Mommy, can I buy some junk?
Mom: Um, no, sweetie.
Little boy, creepily sincere: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. Very sorry, Mommy.
–IPN Pharmacy, Tribeca
Archive for 2020
Took 20 Years of Marriage, but I’ve Finally Pinpointed It
Woman: I’ve figured out what’s wrong with him!
Man: What?
Woman: He smells like ear wax.
–Financial District
Overheard by: p
If It Were Up to Me, We Would've “Accidentally” Left Them Home Alone
Flight attendant: In case of an emergency, please place the oxygen mask on yourself first. You may then help your favorite child or the one with the most potential.
Well dressed father: Which one would that be?
Bored mother: Neither.
–JFK
Overheard by: Glad my kids weren't with me
That Makes Brokeback Seem Gangsta
Guy #1: I’m a gangsta. And gangsta people see gangsta movies. You go see that Hong Kong, King Kong or whatever.
Guy #2: What about In The Mix?
–AMC Empire 25, West 42nd Street
Overheard by: Nathaniel Taylor
You Go, Roscoe!
Lady: Excuse me, do you know where the bathrooms are?
Father with toddler: Nope, sorry.
Lady: I thought people with kids always knew where the bathrooms were.
Father with toddler: Nah, I just let him pee in the grass.
–Central Park
The Important Thing is that She Likes Women and Lives Under a Bridge
Long Island law student #1: She is such a B-and-T troll dyke.
Long Island law student #2: Dude, she commutes from the city to Long Island. That doesn’t make her a B-and-T anything.
Long Island law student #1: Fine. Then she’s a reverse B-and-T troll dyke.
–LIRR
It Goes Perfectly with Naked Ladies and Stereotyping
Stripper: Hey, baby! You got a cigarette?
Gentleman customer: No, baby. I’m Jamaican — I only smoke the herb.
–Scores, East Side
She Could Have at Least Emailed
Guy: So my friend from New Jersey just texted me…
Girl: Yeah?
Guy: Yeah, she’s pregnant and wants to me to be the godfather.
–NYU bus
If You’re So Smart, Explain the Wax
Buff dude #1: Hey, guy.
Smart guy: What’s up?
Buff dude #1: Can you settle something? Is Portugal in Europe or South America?
Smart guy: Uh, it’s in Europe.
Buff dude #1: See?
Buff dude #2: Okay, okay. But, like, the Portuguese they speak in South America — that’s not the same language as they speak in South America, right?
Smart guy: Actually, it is. Brazil was settled by the Portuguese, and the Spanish got the rest of South America, which is why they speak Spanish in the other countries that aren’t Brazil.
Buff dude #2: Oooh! Look who passed his geography class!
–Exodus Gym, Union & Metropolitan, Williamsburg
New York: Encapsulated.
Shrimpy guy, singing: Summertiiiiiime, and the livin' is easy…
Black guy: Man, the sons be actin' like daughters and the daughters be actin' like sons!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Porgy