Archive for 2020

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Up the Wa­zoo

Guy on cell: Wow! That’s a lot of cook­ies. If I had that many cook­ies, I’d put a cou­ple of them in my ass. (pause). It does­n’t mat­ter, I’ve got the space. I can’t eat that many cook­ies.

–23rd & Lex­ing­ton

Teen girl to teen boy: Un­less you want a 9 mil­lime­ter stuck up your ass­hole.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl on cell: Well, it’s still rec­tal.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-some­thing girl to 20-some­thing guy, quite loud­ly: Yeah, but putting a met­al spike up his ass was­n’t ex­act­ly what I had in mind!

–28th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Jar Aaron

20-some­thing woman: Ba­by, I think we’re go­ing to keep the Thanks­giv­ing din­ner out of my ass­hole.

–Herkimer St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: M. Fresh

Shows What You Know– My Girl­friend’s a Les­bian.

Street ven­dor: T‑shirts, get your “I love New York” t‑shirts! On­ly three dol­lars. Much bet­ter than you’d nor­mal­ly get at a store. T‑shirts, get your t‑shirts!
20-some­thing guy to girl­friend: Too ex­pen­sive, babe. Sor­ry.
Ven­dor to guy: Yeah, well your girl­friend can have one for free be­cause of how amaz­ing she was last night.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: i LOVE new york

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Spend Most of Their Time Fundrais­ing

Man to guy try­ing to avoid him: Be­cause, you see — all Re­pub­li­cans are Nazis. I don’t know why no one else can tell.

–67th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: kendra

Thug to an­oth­er: Damn, nig­ga! That’s why the De­moc­rats ain’t go­ing to win the moth­er­fuckin’ White House in 2008!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: guy who’s not sure if it’s racist or not

Right­eous girl: I am glad I slept with him be­fore I found out he was a Re­pub­li­can.

–6 train, Up­town

Over­heard by: Su­san

Rollerblad­ing twelve-year-old to friend: Sean Han­ni­ty is such a douche!

–44th and 8th

An­ti-Bush crazy at an­ti-war stand on the street: There’s an id­iot in the White House! There’s an id­iot in the White House! .… Ac­tu­al­ly, he’s a mon­key — we got the DNA re­sults back!

–Out­side of the Met

Man on cell: Well, they killed 3,000 peo­ple! …Nooo, not the Arabs, the Con­ser­v­a­tives — the New York Con­ser­v­a­tives!

–181 St & Ft. Wash­ing­ton, Star­bucks

Over­heard by: One of the teach­ers

Hobo: I hope I nev­er run for of­fice, be­cause you peo­ple aren’t the first group I’ve said fucked-up shit to.

–F Train

Glad We Cleared That Up

El­der­ly woman on cell: Rho­da! Rho­da! It’s Es­ther! DID YOU CALL ME? NO? Oh, well some­one called me! I can’t be­lieve it! Why would some­one call me on this thing?! All I want to do is be able to make a call, I don’t want to have to deal with these mes­sages and things!

[Makes an­oth­er call] NOR­MAN?! NOR­MAN? You called me?! Why in the world would you ever call me?! NOR­MAN? [To the rest of the car] It was my hus­band.

–Penn Sta­tion-bound LIRR, near Ja­maica Sta­tion

You’ll Nev­er Be the Man Your Moth­er Was.

Girl­friend: You could just be gay.
Boyfriend: I don’t want to be gay! I just wan­na be a woman.

–Hous­ton & Lafayette

Head­line by: Paul S

Run­ners-Up:

· “ ‘Cause surgery is eas­i­er than com­ing out” — Becky

· “Be All You Can’t Be” — Mike D

· “Cant have a man-made pussy and eat it, too” — N. Del­wood

· “Ca­reer day coun­selors nev­er know what to ex­pect” — pe­ter

· “It’s all pil­low fights and boo­bies ’til you start PM­S­ing.” — mthy

· “Michael Jack­son’s Cos­met­ic Surgery Con­sul­ta­tion Gets Hos­tile” — kane, okc

· “The long-await­ed yet unan­ticipt­ed an­swer to ‘Tell me what you want, what you re­al­ly, re­al­ly want’ ” — cinekat

· “Tran­sex­u­al does not a ho­mo­sex­u­al make” — i like men too

· “Vagi­nas: The Con­so­la­tion Prize” — sh

· “Your Phan­tom Limb Will Still Want To Stem The Rose” — el­robinder


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Par­ty!

Con­cerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of get­tin’ like, an STD or some­thing? Don’t you use con­doms?
Con­fused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we did­n’t. I mean, he’s been com­ing in­side me for like a year now and noth­in’ ever hap­pened. (points to bel­ly, im­ply­ing she’s preg­nant)
Con­cerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Con­fused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16–almost 17.
Con­cerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wan­na go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Con­fused teen girl: I’ll take my ba­by with me!

–E Train

Head­line by: Er­i­ca Neu­mann

Run­ners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Sin­gle Non-Palin Head­line on This One” — two­fer­rets
· “Ju No What I’m Talk­ing About?” — Bar­ry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Per­cent Jägermeister…” — Who Does­n’t Love A Drunk­en In­fant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bris­tol Palin Joke Here Some­where…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those El­mo Back­packs?” — All by my­self.

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

…As I Will Ex­plain on All My Col­lege Ap­pli­ca­tions.

Blonde sev­enth grad­er, about Holo­caust: Yeah, like, I’m Jew­ish on my mom’s side, you’re Asian. So, ba­si­cal­ly every­one in our class would have died from the Nazis.
Asian sev­enth grad­er, to oth­er friend: Ex­cept for Lau­ra.
Lau­ra: What? Why?
Asian sev­enth grad­er: Be­cause you’re white.
Lau­ra: I’m not white! I’m like… Pink­ish or some­thing.

–93rd St & Am­s­ter­dam