Ticket seller: The statue is permanently closed, sir.
Tourist: What does that mean?
Ticket seller: The statue is permanently closed.
Tourist: For how long?
Ticket seller: Permanently.
–Battery Park
Archive for 2020
Wednesday One-Liners Up the Wazoo
Guy on cell: Wow! That’s a lot of cookies. If I had that many cookies, I’d put a couple of them in my ass. (pause). It doesn’t matter, I’ve got the space. I can’t eat that many cookies.
–23rd & Lexington
Teen girl to teen boy: Unless you want a 9 millimeter stuck up your asshole.
–Grand Central Terminal
Girl on cell: Well, it’s still rectal.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
20-something girl to 20-something guy, quite loudly: Yeah, but putting a metal spike up his ass wasn’t exactly what I had in mind!
–28th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Jar Aaron
20-something woman: Baby, I think we’re going to keep the Thanksgiving dinner out of my asshole.
–Herkimer St., Brooklyn
Overheard by: M. Fresh
Shows What You Know– My Girlfriend’s a Lesbian.
Street vendor: T‑shirts, get your “I love New York” t‑shirts! Only three dollars. Much better than you’d normally get at a store. T‑shirts, get your t‑shirts!
20-something guy to girlfriend: Too expensive, babe. Sorry.
Vendor to guy: Yeah, well your girlfriend can have one for free because of how amazing she was last night.
–Times Square
Overheard by: i LOVE new york
Wednesday One-Liners Spend Most of Their Time Fundraising
Man to guy trying to avoid him: Because, you see — all Republicans are Nazis. I don’t know why no one else can tell.
–67th & Broadway
Overheard by: kendra
Thug to another: Damn, nigga! That’s why the Democrats ain’t going to win the motherfuckin’ White House in 2008!
–Union Square
Overheard by: guy who’s not sure if it’s racist or not
Righteous girl: I am glad I slept with him before I found out he was a Republican.
–6 train, Uptown
Overheard by: Susan
Rollerblading twelve-year-old to friend: Sean Hannity is such a douche!
–44th and 8th
Anti-Bush crazy at anti-war stand on the street: There’s an idiot in the White House! There’s an idiot in the White House! .… Actually, he’s a monkey — we got the DNA results back!
–Outside of the Met
Man on cell: Well, they killed 3,000 people! …Nooo, not the Arabs, the Conservatives — the New York Conservatives!
–181 St & Ft. Washington, Starbucks
Overheard by: One of the teachers
Hobo: I hope I never run for office, because you people aren’t the first group I’ve said fucked-up shit to.
–F Train
Glad We Cleared That Up
Elderly woman on cell: Rhoda! Rhoda! It’s Esther! DID YOU CALL ME? NO? Oh, well someone called me! I can’t believe it! Why would someone call me on this thing?! All I want to do is be able to make a call, I don’t want to have to deal with these messages and things!
[Makes another call] NORMAN?! NORMAN? You called me?! Why in the world would you ever call me?! NORMAN? [To the rest of the car] It was my husband.–Penn Station-bound LIRR, near Jamaica Station
You’ll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was.
Girlfriend: You could just be gay.
Boyfriend: I don’t want to be gay! I just wanna be a woman.
–Houston & Lafayette
Headline by: Paul S
Runners-Up:
· “ ‘Cause surgery is easier than coming out” — Becky
· “Be All You Can’t Be” — Mike D
· “Cant have a man-made pussy and eat it, too” — N. Delwood
· “Career day counselors never know what to expect” — peter
· “It’s all pillow fights and boobies ’til you start PMSing.” — mthy
· “Michael Jackson’s Cosmetic Surgery Consultation Gets Hostile” — kane, okc
· “The long-awaited yet unanticipted answer to ‘Tell me what you want, what you really, really want’ ” — cinekat
· “Transexual does not a homosexual make” — i like men too
· “Vaginas: The Consolation Prize” — sh
· “Your Phantom Limb Will Still Want To Stem The Rose” — elrobinder
He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Party!
Concerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of gettin’ like, an STD or something? Don’t you use condoms?
Confused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we didn’t. I mean, he’s been coming inside me for like a year now and nothin’ ever happened. (points to belly, implying she’s pregnant)
Concerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Confused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16 – almost 17.
Concerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wanna go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Confused teen girl: I’ll take my baby with me!
–E Train
Headline by: Erica Neumann
Runners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Single Non-Palin Headline on This One” — twoferrets
· “Ju No What I’m Talking About?” — Barry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Percent Jägermeister…” — Who Doesn’t Love A Drunken Infant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bristol Palin Joke Here Somewhere…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those Elmo Backpacks?” — All by myself.
…As I Will Explain on All My College Applications.
Blonde seventh grader, about Holocaust: Yeah, like, I’m Jewish on my mom’s side, you’re Asian. So, basically everyone in our class would have died from the Nazis.
Asian seventh grader, to other friend: Except for Laura.
Laura: What? Why?
Asian seventh grader: Because you’re white.
Laura: I’m not white! I’m like… Pinkish or something.
–93rd St & Amsterdam
Wednesday One-liners, Fashion Dos and Don’ts
Girl: I didn’t know my brother was going to be at the party! And he was in a sarong!
–Park Ave S & E 25th
Guy on cell: No, no. You can wear hats on the internet.
–Smith & Wyckoff, Cobble Hill
…But Not Really
Girl: When I look back on my life, I’m not going to think about trips I went on or relationships I had, I’ll be thinking about television programs I watched.
Guy: That’s horrible!
Girl: Well I was only kidding!
–86th and Lex
