Guy: We have to figure out a way to get rid of her bird.
Girl: I hate birds like that. They’re full of secrets and dust.
Guy: And lice and opinions.
–13th & A
Archive for 2020
Gentleman of the Old School Seeks to Meet Lady for Intelligent Conversation — Nonsmokers Preferred
Girl: Have you got a light, baby?
Man: No! I will not have sex with you!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Loves Sex and the City
I Was Just Gonna Make a Cunning Little “Shitstorm” Joke
Guy #1: You’d better bring an umbrella tomorrow.
Guy #2: Yeah, it’s supposed to rain.
Guy #1: It’s supposed to rain?!
–PATH Train, WTC
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Ray Romano, How Quickly You’ve Hit Bottom
Hobo: Can you spare some change?
Chick: No, sorry.
Hobo: I know you hate me…I hate myself, too.
–8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fleur Massena
I See Harvey Keitel as the Mother
Mom to a seven-year-old kid on school bus: Fucking animal, I’ll fucking kill you!
Seven-year-old bully: Suck my dick, you ugly bitch!
Mom to son: Every fucking day! I can’t stand this shit!
–11th St & 4th ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Wish she didn’t live on the block
Whine N’ Crackas
Guy after hanging up phone: Sorry about that. I scheduled a phone meeting with my therapist.
Black lady sitting next to him the whole time: Oh, it’s all good. I had no idea white people had those kinds of problems!
–McDonald’s
Overheard by: Clark
We’re Jewish, Dad
Son having tantrum: I don’t want to go to the park! (throws his coat on the ground)
Father: Did you just take your coat off? I’m going to tell the Virgin Mary you’re not wearing your coat, and then you know it will get back to Santa!
–Prospect Park
Overheard by: canvasser
Welcome to the Wednesday One-Liner Positioning System
Girl on cell, looking for her friends: Can you see me? Look at the sun, I’m directly under it right now.
–Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Guy on cell: Yeah, we’ll go now. Okay. Right now, I’m at 116 and Hamsterdam–Hamsterdam? What the fuck did I just say? Oh, wow, that is a disturbing mental image. Yeah, exactly. River full of hamsters. Okay, see ya.
–116th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: That would be truly terrifying.
Harlem woman on cell: Come find me! I’m on the downtown side of the street!
–East Side
Drunk guy on cell: Yo, I’m on the corner of fuckin’ somethin’ an somethin’.
–42nd St & 5th Ave
Drunk on cell: Where am I? Where am I? I’m at the corner of Charles Street and motherfucking I don’t know!
–West Village
Woman to friends: Oh thank god! I feel so much safer now that we’re at 7th Avenue.
–G Train
NYC: The Best Restaurants Beget the Best Eating Disorders
Well-dressed girl #1: You know what?
Well-dressed girl #2: What?
Well-dressed girl #1: Throwing up at work really isn’t as bad as it seems.
–Prince Street between Lafayette & Mulberry
Waif #1: Ugh. I feel so fat…I feel so gross. I’m not going to fit into any of my summer clothes…I’ve been trying to be so good, going to the gym everyday and everything.
Waif #2: You’re not fat.
Waif #1: Yes I am. You can only say that because you’re thin…I ate a salad today for lunch. But then I just ate all of these sweet thingamajiggies.
–W train
Overheard by: Nora S.
Columbia chick on cell: …I mean, like, yesterday I totally pigged out on salad.
–116th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
It’s Like Playing Memory!
Doctor lady: Did you hear that Dr. Khan just had a baby?
Doctor guy: Oh, was she pregnant?
–Burger King, Jamaica
Overheard by: Ed Selter
Woman: She didn’t even know she was pregnant until she was giving birth…
–Columbia University Medical Center
