Woman getting haircut: So it all began when I was dating an Italian underwear model…
Hairdresser (after a short pause): Yes?
Woman: He was the worst fuck of my life!
–Institu Salon, 19th & Irving
Archive for 2020
But I Was Once in an Elevator with the Original Becky from Roseanne
Chick: Oh yeah, my grandmother was a prisoner in Auschwitz with Elie Wiesel.
Dude: That’s ballin’
–Brooklyn F Train
American Booty Failed to Draw Crowds to Theaters
Large black woman sitting down on park bench: Oooh, my booty itchy!
Large black woman friend, sitting down with her: Ha ha! You talkin’ bout “my booty itchy!”
–Avenue of the Americas & Canal
Something Men Tell Each Other They Won’t Tell You
Thug #1: … And you could smell that shit through her jeans, yo! That shit was nasty!
Thug #2: Bitch needs to be fuckin’ introduced to Mr. Clean or some shit!
–Outside Francis Lewis High, Queens
Next: “Should I Be Dieting?”
Platinum blonde to brunette friend: Should I be tanning?
Brunette friend, earnestly: You’re already tan! You’re a tan person!
Blonde girl: No I’m not!
–Columbia University
Calling Me on My Transparent Scam Like That
Homeless man to passengers: If you ever have any leftover food or drinks or whatnot, you can bring them to me at this address. (hands out business cards)
Suit: Umm… How’d you get the money to print out business cards?
Homeless man: Kiss my ass, give me that card back!
–6 Train
Overheard by: Christine
Next Time Impede the Investigation in Finnish
[Patrol car flashing lights at curb. Small group of high-schoolers corralled against wall]Police officer: So what happened –what did you see?
Sharp teen: No hablo inglés.
Officer, in perfect Spanish: Entonces, que pasó? Qué viste?
Smart teen: No hablo español!
–85th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Christopher Stone
It Used to Take Longer to Be Misunderstood
Little girl playing a Nintendo DS: Yes! Yes!
Mother: What happened?
Little girl: Never mind, Mom. You just wouldn’t understand.
–E train
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
No Shit?
Teen boy #1: Yo son, butt sex mad disgusting.
Teen boy #2: No, it ain’t. If she shit before you do it you won’t get no poop on yo dick.
Teen boy #1: Pfft. They always be shit in her ass even if she shits.
Teen boy #2: Nah, son.
Teen boy #1: When you pull the mushroom out there gonna be shit under it.
Teen boy #2: Ha, ha, ha! No, it ain’t…Ask her about it.
–R train
Overheard by: Evan Walsh
He Won’t Even Use Old Ones to Line His Bird’s Cage
Wanna-be preppy: Hey! Is that the newspaper?
Slacker: Yeah.
Wanna-be preppy: Let’s have a look at it.
(slacker throws paper into locker and locks locker)
Wanna-be preppy: Aw, why did you do that?
Slacker: I can’t let you see it. It’s not mine.
Wanna-be preppy: Whose is it?
Slacker: My girlfriend’s brother. He’s really sensitive…
Wanna-be preppy: Really sensitive about the newspaper?
–Midtown
Overheard by: Kane
