Archive for 2020

“Fuck Your Moth­er” Is Prac­ti­cal­ly a Good-Guy Mantra

Young thug #1: Every­one is get­ting tat­toos! Every­one!
Young thug #2: Like who?
Young thug #1: Dave. He just got an­oth­er tat. I want a tat!
Young thug #2: So, why don’t you get one?
Young thug #1: I can’t… (whis­pers) My mom won’t let me.
Young thug #2: Shit, nig­ga, fuck your moth­er. You can get a tat and be a good guy. I’m a good guy. My record is sealed!

–Deli, Park Slope

Boys Are Just Ac­ces­sories to Her.

Girl: Oh, I like your Irish neck­lace!
Guy: Here, you can have it.
Girl: Oh, wow, thanks! Now ill nev­er for­get you, Kevin!
Guy: It’s Evan.

–Out­side of Bode­ga, As­to­ria

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are in a Tran­si­tion­al Phase

Con­duc­tor (af­ter a few min­utes wait­ing at sig­nal): One of those trains bet­ter hur­ry it up and move it, I have bet­ter things to do.

–N Train

Con­duc­tor: Across the plat­form is an ex­press 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (af­ter a few stops) There is an ex­press 2 train across the plat­form. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: mo­ti­vat­ed

Cheer­ful con­duc­tor: Wel­come to the sta­tion for­mer­ly known as Prince!

–R Train

Con­duc­tor: We are now ar­riv­ing at Grand Cen­tral. This is our fi­nal stop. We’re six min­utes ear­ly, so now you can’t say any­thing bad about us.

–Metro North Train

Over­heard by: An­gela

Con­duc­tor: That is a 1 train and all trains are run­ning ex­press. An­oth­er lo­cal won’t run til 5 am Mon­day. You can wait but we don’t serve din­ner or break­fast, and I’m all out of sleep­ing bags.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Steve

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, the train’s emer­gency brakes have been ac­ti­vat­ed for some rea­son. The train op­er­a­tor is go­ing to walk around the train and check if there’s a…body, or some­thing, un­der the train. Af­ter that, we’ll be able to move!

–C Train

Over­heard by: Pa­tient Pas­sen­ger

Train con­duc­tor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff!

–Metro North

Over­heard by: to mount kisco, and BE­YOND!