Archive for 2020

“Fuck Your Mother” Is Practically a Good-Guy Mantra

Young thug #1: Everyone is getting tattoos! Everyone!
Young thug #2: Like who?
Young thug #1: Dave. He just got another tat. I want a tat!
Young thug #2: So, why don’t you get one?
Young thug #1: I can’t… (whispers) My mom won’t let me.
Young thug #2: Shit, nigga, fuck your mother. You can get a tat and be a good guy. I’m a good guy. My record is sealed!

–Deli, Park Slope

Boys Are Just Accessories to Her.

Girl: Oh, I like your Irish necklace!
Guy: Here, you can have it.
Girl: Oh, wow, thanks! Now ill never forget you, Kevin!
Guy: It’s Evan.

–Outside of Bodega, Astoria


When Thong Underwear Is Too Tight

Teen girl #1: Your IQ is like a… a… ten!
Teen girl #2, angrily: It’s 150, you ass-cracker!

–Q Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle


Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Transitional Phase

Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do.

–N Train

Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.

–1 Train

Overheard by: motivated

Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince!

–R Train

Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We’re six minutes early, so now you can’t say anything bad about us.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Angela

Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won’t run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don’t serve dinner or breakfast, and I’m all out of sleeping bags.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Steve

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train’s emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there’s a…body, or something, under the train. After that, we’ll be able to move!

–C Train

Overheard by: Patient Passenger

Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff!

–Metro North

Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!