Girl #1: What did you do last night?
Girl #2: Wandered around Goldman Sachs with a Sesame Street pillow. You?
Girl #1: Um…
–Tom’s Diner, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Archive for 2020
Yup. I Could Tell from That Nauseated Look on Your Face.
Woman #1 in elevator: Why aren’t you wearing a jacket? You’re going to be freezing!
Woman #2: I don’t need one. It’s because I’m fat.
Woman #1: (silence)
Woman #2: You know it’s true. You’re not saying anything because you know I’m fat. Most people would say, “No, no, no. You’re not fat!” but you’re not saying that because you think I’m fat. Think about it.
Woman #1: I’m thinking about it.
–39th St
“You’re Not 40 Anymore!” She’ll Scream
Cashier: In 20 minutes I can go home… Go home and play some video games.
Middle-aged lady customer: Yay!
Cashier: Either that or drink.
Middle-aged lady customer: Why not both?
Cashier: Well, then my mom will yell at me in the morning.
–Douglaston Waldbaum’s, Queens
Overheard by: Teen Girl #1
You’ve Been Waiting for an Excuse to Use That One, Haven’t You?
NYU girl: I’m not surprised that she has mono. I mean, she’s been a slut for a while now. It was bound to catch up with her.
Friend: Yeah, she’s a reverse jukebox.
NYU girl: A what?
Friend: You know how you put money into a jukebox and it makes noise? Guys put their dicks in her to make her shut the fuck up.
–NYU Silver Center
Gadzooks! Wednesday One-liners!
Queer: I am going to learn Aramaic so Jesus can understand me.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Lynn Casey
…in Bed
Girl #1: You know Alex?
Girl #2: Yeah, he loves me, but not in a sexual way. He just thinks I’m awesome.
–Dorm Elevator, Columbia University
Overheard by: Chopin’s Edna
NYPD Booked Them Posthumously
Tourist father to family, crossing mid-block: Okay, this is our first jaywalk!
Little kid: I’m so excited!
–45th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Linda Stein
Um, Hello, They Were Muppets!
Dude #1: I’m telling you that statue has something to do with it.
Dude #2: Why am I even here? I can’t believe I’m following you on a quest to find a buried treasure because bunch of puppets told you to.
–Columbus Circle
…Away from Witnesses
Mom on stoop: Don’t you skate too far from the house!
Four-year-old boy on skateboard: Moooooooom! Go insiiiiide the hoooooouse! I don’t need you!
Mom neighbor: Did he just tell me to go inside the house? Boy, you just wait till *you* come inside the house!
–Monroe & Franklin, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Tigertail
Difficult to Flatter, Too
Girl with petition: You look like a nice guy!
Suit: You’re fucking right I am! [Keeps walking.]
–68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Pierre Fresnay
