Chick on cell: That sounds good. Oh yeah…you promise? Well I guess we could manage that around 8 o’ clock at Starbucks.
Hobo: Girl, you’re dirty. At a coffee shop?
–Central Park
Overheard by: Ester Ellis
Archive for 2020
Only Crazy Subway Preachers Know Both
Tourist: Does this train stop at Cortland Street?
Nun: Yes, it does.
Guy: No, it doesn’t. The station is closed.
Nun: I’ve been riding this train over 20 years. It stops at Cortland Street.
Guy, as train passes Cortland Street station: Lady, you may know Jesus, but I know the subways.
–1 train
Yo Momma So Dumb, She Fail a Pregnancy Test
Girl #1: So I’m like 3 months late and I have no idea what to do about it.
Girl #2: Well, you have to take a pregnancy test!
Girl #1: No, those things are so hard!
Girl #2: How fucking hard can it be to pee on a stick?
Girl #1: Pretty fucking hard!
–Manhattan Beach
Well, I Could Break Your Legs and Get You a Wheelchair…Would That Be Close Enough?
Young man: I don’t care what you say. I just wanna get a big stroller and have my wife push me around. I don’t care what you say. That’s pimp. That’s pimp.
–23rd & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Can Pick Up Quarters With No Hands
Girl on cell: Quite frankly, I’d rather be pole dancing.
–Bryant Park
Overheard by: braincurve
Girl: I mean, I’m a stripper, but that don’t mean I’m a ho.
–Central Park
Guy on cell: I don’t get the whole Penthouse Club thing. There are strippers, and they serve you steak? I don’t want a fucking stripper on my lap while I’m eating steak. I’ve got a knife.
–Austin Street, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Ethan
Black girl: ‘Fo real, she makes all that money dancin’, and she can’t even herself get a weave?
–86th & 2nd
He Totally Sucks
Teen boy #1: Okay, tell the truth. Have you ever tried to lick your own balls? I’ll be honest, I’ve tried.
Teen boy #2: I’ve thought about it, I just know I couldn’t do it.
–108th & Columbus
Are You Fucking With Me, Ma’am?
Animated blonde salesgirl: If you get the apple pomegranate body butter…
Weary brunette: I only see the display.
Animated blonde salesgirl: We have more in the back. Okay, well, if you get two or more products from the bath line, like this and our shower gel, you get a free bathtub!
Weary brunette: Huh?
(animated blonde salesgirl points to a little plastic bathtub)
Weary brunette: That’s… tiny. Like, I love the scent but I’m afraid I don’t have any kittens or fetuses to bathe in that tiny tiny tub.
–Sephora, Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Get Paid Friday
Man looking at the Metronome clock: I think that’s the national deficit.
–Union Square
Employee: Shit, I don’t have no pennies. Tell Dunkin’ Donuts they owe you nine cents!
–Dunkin’ Donuts, Graham Ave
Girl: Non-profit groups are, like, so non-lucrative!
–Fulton St
Overheard by: Pants
Spastic kid: All I have to my name is a cigarette and two Sacagawea coins!
–Webster Hall
Overheard by: Jess Cohennnnn
JAP on cell: I had a nightmare last night that Mom canceled my credit card statement… I know! It was the worst — like, I woke up sweating!
–NYU
Overheard by: glamourcharm
Chick: ‘Insufficient fare’?! What does that mean?
–7th Ave subway station
She’s More Like Blanche Devereaux Every Day
Queer: Who’s up there?
Woman: Madonna.
Queer: Oh, well, I figured, obviously. I’d recognize her back anywhere.
–Times Square
Queer: Oh my God, are they Voguing? That is so 1990.
–Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Dropped Out of Lamaze
Girl: And it’s, like, strike two. You’re totally not getting a baby gift when I find out you’re preggers on Facebook.
–M23 bus
Suit on cell: My dad was making out with the nurse while I was being born…
–Fulton St
Overheard by: Miss Rach
Homeless lady: God’s pregnant! He wants the city dead! God’s pregnant!
–46th St & 5th Ave
Young boy pumping arms at sides and thrusting pelvis: Fertilize me!
–Starbucks
