Svengali-type: Yeah, they’re really into Phenomenology over there, so they can’t really explain anything.
Lolita-type: Wow. Yeah, I’d heard that about them.
–Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Archive for 2020
To Be Fair, the Nun’s Habit Tends to Throw a Person Off
Chick #1: Did you make out with a hooker?
Dude: I didn’t *make out* with anyone!
Chick #2: Did you seventh-grade kiss a hooker?
Chick #1: Did you seventh-grade *think* about kissing a hooker?
Dude: I didn’t even know she was a hooker until twenty minutes into our conversation!
–F Train
It Stands for Keeping Us Safe from the Terrorists
White mom: Does this train stop at Canal Street?
Black guy: Yeah, it goes there, it goes there. It’s not going there anytime soon. ‘Cause you know what the MTA stands for? Might Take Awhile.
–E train
When I’m Really in the Mood for a Closed One Today
Man: I’m not going to have this conversation with you!
Woman: Why not?
Man: Because that’s just setting myself up for an open-ended ass kicking.
–Prospect Park
Overheard by: Blueshmoo
Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Mouths Washed Out with Soap
Gleeful little boy: We will, we will fuck you! We will, we will fuck you! [Bursts into giggles.]
–1 train
Overheard by: caitlinj
Guy: I mean, I wasn’t expecting being fucked, either!
–55th & 8th
Overheard by: Mariah
Guy on cell: You know what? Cleo fucked you, so fuck it — we’re fucked.
–Forest Hills
Tough guy with five-year-old: Hey, buddy! Don’t fucking push me! I’ve got my fuckin’ kid here!
–1 train
Overheard by: wba
Hispanic lady with stroller, on cell: Mothafuckin’ [Spanish]… Fuckin’ asshole [Spanish]… Son of a [Spanish]… Fuckin’ mothafuckin’ [Spanish]… Bunny rabbit [Spanish]… Fuck.
–7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mike N (doesn’t speak Spanish)
“No; I’m more well hung than he is.”
College Professor: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Female Student: I have one sister and a twin brother.
College Professor: Are you identical?
–American Musical & Dramatic Academy, UWS
Wednesdanimal One-Liners
Suit on cell: Most people want their pets painted.
–Prince & Broadway
Drunk guy yelling at busker while being dragged away by police: You see those pigeons? All those pigeons are my lovers!
–Verdi Square
Cop to crazy dude feeding birds: You feed the birds, I’ll put you in the zoo!
–Union Square Park
Bratty eight-year-old girl: Aren’t there any live animals here?
–Museum of Natural History
Tell Me or I’ll Keep Hitting You Over the Head with This Mallet
Girl #1: You guys just don’t know the meaning of subtlety!
Girl #2: What’s “subtlety”?
–Bard High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
It’s Barney’s, Not Pennsylvania
Hipster dude: Do you guys carry any men’s shoes?
Salesgirl: Yes, they’re on the wall behind you.
Hipster dude: Do you have any straight guy shoes?
–Barney’s, Madison Avenue
Santa Finally Goes Legit
Asian kid: Why did you decide to start driving now?
Middle-aged thug: I drive trucks. Now it’s just time to tell the government.
–DMV, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
