Archive for 2020

Go the Fuck to Sleep, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

As­sertive six-year-old boy to his moth­er: You need to tell on peo­ple be­cause peo­ple need to be pun­ished.

–6th Ave & 16th St

Over­heard by: Don Will­mott

Tod­dler in stroller, ex­it­ing train sta­tion: I want to go to Co­lum­bia uni­ver­si­ty!

–96th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Josh

Lit­tle boy to fa­ther: Be­cause af­ter you se­duce some­body, the per­son you se­duced…

–30th Ave & 42nd St

Over­heard by: Jeff Stephens

Lit­tle girl to moth­er: Are we go­ing to get choco­late chip an­i­mal cook­ies? I need them, I’m so de­hy­drat­ed!

–2 Train

Was­n’t This a Teen Movie?

Teen girl to friends: I’ve heard that they un­leash packs of Rot­tweil­ers here at night.
Friends: What?
Girl: Yeah, to keep peo­ple from just hid­ing in here and sleep­ing, or what­ev­er. Be­cause it’s so big and they can’t cov­er the whole thing… Packs of Rot­tweil­ers cov­er­ing the woods… (friends gasp)

–New York Botan­i­cal Gar­dens

Holy Wedne­say-One-Lin­ers, Bat­man!

Lit­tle boy, hear­ing loud ex­plo­sion: Je­sus Christ!

–Up­per East Side

Over­heard by: Far­ley

Suit to girl­friend: Are you mad at Je­sus?

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Matt

Girl, point­ing to eye­brow ring: I re­ceive God through this hole in my eye!

–Fi­nancier Patis­serie, Stone St

Over­heard by: Gen

Teen girl: Yeah, so I was about to go down on him, and I got smacked in the face with Je­sus. It was so not hot.

–Sheepshead Bay

Over­heard by: Lotte

Black man: Free Post! Free Post! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last! Free Post!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: jack­at­tack

JAP: When I told my mom I did­n’t want to fast to­day she said ‘That’s ok, no one said you had to’ and I said ‘Um­mm, I think God did.’

–33rd St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: ak

Man to cop: Can’t you do nuthin’ about those damn Je­ho­vah’s Nitwits?

–Grand Cen­tral

Sil­ly Boy, We’re Swe­den­bor­gians

Ston­er #1, in­ter­rupt­ing con­ver­sa­tion be­tween two girls: Are you guys even speak­ing Eng­lish?
Girl #1: Um, yes we are?
Girl #2: Why?
Ston­er #1: It sound­ed like Swedish!
Ston­er #2: They’re Den­n­markians, you id­iot!
(girls burst in­to laugh­ter)

–Cen­tral Park Swings

Over­heard by: I just want­ed to swing..

Dude, Are You Call­ing from a Pay Phone?

Man on pay phone, scream­ing at the top of his lungs: I did­n’t fuck­ing do any­thing wrong, you fuck­ing god­damn bitch! (paus­es as peo­ple back away) You fuck­ing stu­pid fuck­ing cunt! (froth­ing) I did­n’t fuck­ing do any­thing wrong!

–At­lantic Ave