Archive for 2020

Aww, That’s So Sweet!

Gay dude #1: I think if some­one writes “nice guy here” in the “about me” sec­tion of his pro­file it re­al­ly means “will rape and cut you up in bits”. I could be wrong.
Gay dude #2: Yeah, I can’t prove it sci­en­tif­i­cal­ly but that has been my ex­pe­ri­ence. Every time I’ve been raped and cut up it was by a “nice guy”.

–East 6th & 3rd Ave

News­Flash: New Jer­sey Builds Im­mi­gra­tion Wall

Yup­pie on cell cut­ting long line, to cashier: I’d like to buy some cook­ies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yup­pie, in­to cell: I hate the fuck­ing East Side. Every­one thinks they’re hot shit. I can’t fig­ure out this fuck­ing line — all I want to do is buy some fuck­ing cook­ies… New Jer­sey is my des­tiny.

–Bak­ery, 70th & Lex

Wednes­day Ac­ci­den­tal­ly Leaves a Sponge in the One-Lin­er

Woman: I told him I was­n’t op­posed to din­ner just be­cause he’s had a va­sec­to­my.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Meis­ter

Prep­py guy: They took car­ti­lage out of his ear and put it in my nose.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: La­dle

UES woman: I’m go­ing to get my nails done, then get a colonoscopy in Queens.

–89th and Park

Over­heard by: AeC and jRw

Woman on phone: Well, of course I got it re­moved
*(pause)
Woman: It hurt like hell.

–El­e­va­tor in the Hud­son Ho­tel

Guy on phone, Nnoz done: Hts okay — it’s just rou­tine anal surgery!

–As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Tam

Night Train, Thun­der­bird and Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Crazy hobo with gui­tar to stranger: Damn… you in­vit­ed a lot of peo­ple.

–1 Train

Hobo to young mar­ried cou­ple: I have found the promised land. Se­ri­ous­ly. I’d get a plane tick­et right now, but it’d be cheap­er to go to con­fes­sion for a week and then get hit by a bus. Re­mind me to tell you about this lat­er.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Oliv­er

Grimy hobo: Hey, do you guys have any change? Hey, do you guys have any change?
(20-some­thing girl walks past him, with busi­ness­man a few steps be­hind) Hey, do you guys want to have sex? Uh, I mean…

–W 3rd & Thomp­son

Hobo, tak­ing do­na­tions to help the home­less, count­ing coins: 25…50…60… (grabs fist­ful of coins sticks in pock­et) Tax re­bate!

–Union Square

Is It Too Late to Give You a Puz­zle?

Teen ghet­to girl: If you had a daugh­ter…
Teen ghet­to boy: If I had a daugh­ter, there ain’t no way she’d be leav­in’ the house with them short shorts and shit. And she fo’ sho’ would­n’t be playin’ with them bar­bi­es. Bar­bi­es is evil. They mess with girls’ brains, makin’ them think they need to show off their shit and have ba­bies when theys like 15. No bar­bi­es. On­ly puz­zles.

–Man­hat­tan bound N train

Over­heard by: lau­ren