Archive for 2020

Aww, That’s So Sweet!

Gay dude #1: I think if someone writes “nice guy here” in the “about me” section of his profile it really means “will rape and cut you up in bits”. I could be wrong.
Gay dude #2: Yeah, I can’t prove it scientifically but that has been my experience. Every time I’ve been raped and cut up it was by a “nice guy”.

–East 6th & 3rd Ave

NewsFlash: New Jersey Builds Immigration Wall

Yuppie on cell cutting long line, to cashier: I’d like to buy some cookies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yuppie, into cell: I hate the fucking East Side. Everyone thinks they’re hot shit. I can’t figure out this fucking line — all I want to do is buy some fucking cookies… New Jersey is my destiny.

–Bakery, 70th & Lex

Wednesday Accidentally Leaves a Sponge in the One-Liner

Woman: I told him I wasn’t opposed to dinner just because he’s had a vasectomy.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meister

Preppy guy: They took cartilage out of his ear and put it in my nose.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

UES woman: I’m going to get my nails done, then get a colonoscopy in Queens.

–89th and Park

Overheard by: AeC and jRw

Woman on phone: Well, of course I got it removed
*(pause)
Woman: It hurt like hell.

–Elevator in the Hudson Hotel

Guy on phone, Nnoz done: Hts okay — it’s just routine anal surgery!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Tam

What 21st Century Chivalry Looks Like

20-ish chick: That girl beasted your seat.
College guy: Which girl?
20-ish chick: Some girl — when you got up she made a beeline for your seat.
College guy: Was she hot?
20-ish chick: What?

–Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl

Overheard by: she was hot

Is It Too Late to Give You a Puzzle?

Teen ghetto girl: If you had a daughter…
Teen ghetto boy: If I had a daughter, there ain’t no way she’d be leavin’ the house with them short shorts and shit. And she fo’ sho’ wouldn’t be playin’ with them barbies. Barbies is evil. They mess with girls’ brains, makin’ them think they need to show off their shit and have babies when theys like 15. No barbies. Only puzzles.

–Manhattan bound N train

Overheard by: lauren