Archive for 2020

And, by the Way, ‘Grammatically Correctly’ Is Needlessly Redundant

Belligerent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be trying!
Belligerent white woman: You should speak gramatically correctly!
Smartass: “I be trying” isn’t ungrammatical. It’s standard usage in African-American vernacular English.
Belligerent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smartass: I have a Ph.D. in linguistics from MIT.

–A train

A Better Question: Why Did Everyone Still Show Up?

Puzzled student: Professor, according to the syllabus we have a paper due in a week… What’s it on?
Equally puzzled philosophy professor: You have a paper due in a week? I was afraid of that!
Puzzled student: Also, according to the syllabus, we don’t even have class today. There’s…nothing written there.
Equally puzzled philosophy professor: Really? Huh. Well, I must have been drunk when I did that.

–Fordham University

Wednesday One-Liner Brownies, Man!

amNewYork distributor: Breaking news! If the police smell marijuana coming from your house they can break down the door and arrest you! On the front cover! If the police smell marijuana, they come bust down your door and arrest you! (hands out papers like hot cakes)

–34th St

Mother with two young girls: I’d have to be stoned to go on that ride.

–Carnival, Williamsburg

Overheard by: DRC

Man standing in the open doorway of a stopped train, singing to “I gotta feeling”: I gota feeling! That tonight’s gonna need some good pot! That tonight’s gonna need some good good pot!

–L Train

Overheard by: fashion it so

Guy on cell: This relationship is not working out for me anymore. You are unreliable, untrustworthy, you’re always late, you take all my money, and you’re just an asshole. It’s time for me to find a new dealer. Buying pot from you is starting to be unpleasant and buying pot should never be unpleasant.

–Astor Place

Be a Good Sport, Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor, on loudspeaker: Please note, you heard it here first: I’m watching the Super Bowl only for the commercials. The Giants are going to be so far ahead of… the other team… it’ll be a boring game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the commercials are going to be great!

–A train

Overheard by: love this conductor!

Blind hobo to no one: You know why black basketball players are better than white ones? Because Jesus was black, so they’re like Jesus!

–1 train

Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Super Bowl! Super bowl?! What the hell does that mean, ‘a Super Bowl’? Didn’t you ever think about how stupid that is?!

–F train, 4th Ave

Overheard by: Theresa

Eight-year-old boy: You can’t have a Cowboys game without the cheerleaders. There go half the male ticket holders.

–Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Guy who is clearly not Eli Manning: What do I do? My name is Eli Manning, and I play for the New York Giants.

–Upper West Side

Guy randomly wipes out on the sidewalk, flat on his stomach with arms stretched out in front of him. Everyone stares.

Nearby cop: Safe!

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: Bananaphone