Archive for 2020

And, by the Way, ‘Gram­mat­i­cal­ly Cor­rect­ly’ Is Need­less­ly Re­dun­dant

Bel­liger­ent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be try­ing!
Bel­liger­ent white woman: You should speak gra­mat­i­cal­ly cor­rect­ly!
Smar­tass: “I be try­ing” is­n’t un­gram­mat­i­cal. It’s stan­dard us­age in African-Amer­i­can ver­nac­u­lar Eng­lish.
Bel­liger­ent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smar­tass: I have a Ph.D. in lin­guis­tics from MIT.

–A train

A Bet­ter Ques­tion: Why Did Every­one Still Show Up?

Puz­zled stu­dent: Pro­fes­sor, ac­cord­ing to the syl­labus we have a pa­per due in a week… What’s it on?
Equal­ly puz­zled phi­los­o­phy pro­fes­sor: You have a pa­per due in a week? I was afraid of that!
Puz­zled stu­dent: Al­so, ac­cord­ing to the syl­labus, we don’t even have class to­day. There’s…nothing writ­ten there.
Equal­ly puz­zled phi­los­o­phy pro­fes­sor: Re­al­ly? Huh. Well, I must have been drunk when I did that.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Wednes­day One-Lin­er Brown­ies, Man!

am­NewYork dis­trib­u­tor: Break­ing news! If the po­lice smell mar­i­jua­na com­ing from your house they can break down the door and ar­rest you! On the front cov­er! If the po­lice smell mar­i­jua­na, they come bust down your door and ar­rest you! (hands out pa­pers like hot cakes)

–34th St

Moth­er with two young girls: I’d have to be stoned to go on that ride.

–Car­ni­val, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: DRC

Man stand­ing in the open door­way of a stopped train, singing to “I got­ta feel­ing”: I go­ta feel­ing! That tonight’s gonna need some good pot! That tonight’s gonna need some good good pot!

–L Train

Over­heard by: fash­ion it so

Guy on cell: This re­la­tion­ship is not work­ing out for me any­more. You are un­re­li­able, un­trust­wor­thy, you’re al­ways late, you take all my mon­ey, and you’re just an ass­hole. It’s time for me to find a new deal­er. Buy­ing pot from you is start­ing to be un­pleas­ant and buy­ing pot should nev­er be un­pleas­ant.

–As­tor Place

Be a Good Sport, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­duc­tor, on loud­speak­er: Please note, you heard it here first: I’m watch­ing the Su­per Bowl on­ly for the com­mer­cials. The Gi­ants are go­ing to be so far ahead of… the oth­er team… it’ll be a bor­ing game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the com­mer­cials are go­ing to be great!

–A train

Over­heard by: love this con­duc­tor!

Blind hobo to no one: You know why black bas­ket­ball play­ers are bet­ter than white ones? Be­cause Je­sus was black, so they’re like Je­sus!

–1 train

Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Su­per Bowl! Su­per bowl?! What the hell does that mean, ‘a Su­per Bowl’? Did­n’t you ever think about how stu­pid that is?!

–F train, 4th Ave

Over­heard by: There­sa

Eight-year-old boy: You can’t have a Cow­boys game with­out the cheer­lead­ers. There go half the male tick­et hold­ers.

–Prospect Park, Brook­lyn

Guy who is clear­ly not Eli Man­ning: What do I do? My name is Eli Man­ning, and I play for the New York Gi­ants.

–Up­per West Side

Guy ran­dom­ly wipes out on the side­walk, flat on his stom­ach with arms stretched out in front of him. Every­one stares.

Near­by cop: Safe!

–Out­side Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ba­nana­phone