Archive for 2021

Back­door Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Drunk: If God did­n’t want us to be gay, He would­n’t have put our g‑spot all the way up our ass!

–3rd Ave. be­tween 11th & 12th

Over­heard by: Za­ck

Frat­boy: So if I tell her I wan­na put my tongue up her ass, you think she’ll re­late to me?

–1st Ave. & 10th St.

Over­heard by: Sarah T.

Fi­ancee: OK, fine. You can have strip­pers at your bach­e­lor par­ty. But if I hear you stuck your dick in some nasty hook­er’s ass, I’m nev­er suck­ing it again.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Mad William Flint

Woman: Yeah, what­ev­er, Mr. Does­n’t-Know-What-a-Sup­pos­i­to­ry-Is!

–The An­gel­i­ca, Hous­ton Street

Goom­bah: Nah, nah, nah…I’d suck a guy’s dick balls deep, but I would nev­er eat a man’s ass. That’s just gay.


Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Did Coke in the ’80s

Young la­dy yup­pie on cell: It is a per­fect­ly nor­mal fear to be afraid of bub­bles!

–83rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: KS

Yup­pie chick hold­ing hands with yup­pie boyfriend: Pe­nis, pe­nis, pe­nis, pe­nis.

–As­tor Place

Over­heard by: sarah

Yup­pie chick on cell: The thing about my ex is it’s, like, the sto­ry of ‘If you give a mouse a fuck­ing cook­ie, I mean, even­tu­al­ly he’ll want to climb in­to bed with you and have you read him a fuck­ing bed­time sto­ry.’

–Rec­tor St

Yup­pie: Let’s go find my ex-fi­ance and beat her up.

–46th & 8th

Just Get Him Sauced and Toss Him in the Broil­er

Ob­nox­ious white lawyer to his Chi­na doll date: We’ll have un­a­ju. I think un­a­ju is eel from the sea, and un­a­ji is eel from a riv­er.
Ob­nox­ious white lay­w­er to the Japan­ese sushi chef: We’ll have un­a­ju. Is it true that un­a­ju is eel from the sea, and un­a­ji is eel from a riv­er?
Japan­ese sushi chef nods po­lite­ly.
Ob­nox­ious white lawyer to his Chi­na doll date: Did you hear that? Un­a­ju is eel from the sea, and un­a­ji is eel from a riv­er.

–Shimizu, W 51st & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Asian Amer­i­can cou­ple who had to deal with this all night long

Warn­ing: Watch­ing Hitch Has Been Shown to Cause Sui­cide in Lab­o­ra­to­ry An­i­mals

Gui­do #1: What’re you doin’ tonight?
Gui­do #2: Goin’ to a movie wit my girl.
Gui­do #1: Mm.
Gui­do #2: Goin’ to see Hitch.
Gui­do #3: Hitch? Is­n’t that a chick flick?
Gui­do #2: I said my girl asked me to take her to a movie.
Gui­do #3: Oh. Al­right.
Gui­do #2: I ain’t seein’ the fuckin’ movie by my­self.

–R train

Over­heard by: blues­dog

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Schooled

Pro­fes­sor: So what do we know about these debt notes?” (si­lence) So what do *I* know about these debt notes, that ob­vi­ous­ly you don’t know?

–NYU Law School

Over­heard by: Ames

Pro­fes­sor: My fa­vorite words to hear are “just do noth­ing.” My sec­ond fa­vorites are “open bar.”

–Col­lege of Mount Saint Vin­cent, Bronx

En­vi­ron­men­tal his­to­ry pro­fes­sor: Look at some of the items on this menu from a ho­tel of Chica­go Thanks­giv­ing din­ner from 1872: loin of buf­fa­lo, an­te­lope steak in mush­room sauce, ham of bear, black tail deer, leg of moun­tain sheep, buf­fa­lo tongue… Miss Palin, your ta­ble is ready.

–Class­room, Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Mar­tin Van Nos­trand

Lin­guis­tics pro­fes­sor, about Span­ish-speak­ing fam­i­lies who live in Span­ish-speak­ing neigh­bor­hoods: The on­ly Eng­lish these peo­ple hear is from their land­lords and so­cial work­ers.

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Lat­ka Hero

NYU pro­fes­sor: So we’re go­ing to be walk­ing, and you’ll no­tice I walk pret­ty fast. But we’re in New York, and you’re sup­posed to walk like you know ex­act­ly where you’re go­ing in life and noth­ing is in your way. Be­cause if you slow down you’ll get mugged. (beat) It’s dog eat dog, peo­ple.

–NYU Class­room

Russ­ian lit­er­a­ture pro­fes­sor: Oh my god, you just to­tal­ly missed the point of Je­sus!

–NYU Class­room