College girl: What’s the Irish bacon?
Waiter: It’s like Canadian bacon.
–Lyric Diner
Archive for 2021
Some People Take Extreme Stances on Dildo Use.
Suit: And then guess what I told her?
Creep: Plastic poison!
Suit: Exactly!
Creep: He-he-he.
–Starbucks
The Writers Switched From Funny to Educational
Tween girl #1: I’m gonna call that number 1 – 800-DIVORCE. I want to divorce my parents.
Tween boy: You can’t divorce your parents, stupid. Can you marry your parents? No!
Tween girl #1: Technically, technically you can but that’s just sick.
Tween girl #2: You’re not really divorcing your parents. It’s more like they giving up they rights.
Tween girl #1: Look, I call it divorcing your parents because that’s what they called it on The Simpsons so that’s why I say it.
–Q train
Making Learning Fun
Girl: Why do you watch so much King of the Hill, anyway?
Hipster guy: I don’t know. I guess I just like Texas history.
–Virgin Megastore, Times Square
So to Speak
20-something to guy in bus line: Hey man, what are you doing in the city?
Guy in bus line: I was in the Bronx all day shooting a trailer for a porno.
20-something: Whoa! What was that like?
Guy in bus line: Well, I was standing at attention too early, and then this girl takes off her clothes, and I didn’t even know her name, yo… it was crazy, yo.
20-something: Was it like you thought it would be?
Guy in bus line: What do you mean?
20-something: Well, in the movies it always looks so passionate…
Guy in bus line: Well, we were pretty nervous… and I didn’t see the final cut.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Irishital
I Also Would Have Accepted “I Gotcha Banana Right Here!”
Guy ribbing friend in yellow, cropped pants: Hey, Banana pants!
Banana pants: I put a banana in your mother!
–Manhattan-bound 7 train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Katrink
This Year Fellatio Is the New Black
Guy #1: What time are we going to beat off?
Guy #2: What, together? Midnight, of course!
Guy #1, exasperated: No, not together! That’s so last year!
–6th & 1st
I Can’t Promise They’re Razorblade-Free, Though
Two-year-old boy: Mommy, I’m hungry.
Young mother: Okay honey, do you want some animal crackers when we get home?
Two-year-old boy: (sighs deeply) Okayyy, are they organic?
Young mother: Oh, of course they are! (hugs him reassuringly).
–Downtown E Train
Overheard by: Miki
The Difference? An Average of 50 Lbs
High school girl #1: Yeah, Americans have no moral values. The United States hasn’t had good morals since, like, the 17th century.
High school girl #2: Yeah, I know.
High school girl #1: I mean, you could walk down the street naked and no one would say anything. That would never happen in Europe.
High school girl #2: Yeah, but in France women wear tight, revealing clothing, too.
High school girl #1: But in France it’s fashionable. Here it’s just slutty.
–Victory Blvd, Staten Island
Overheard by: The US wasn’t a country in the 17th century…
Oh, No! You Didn’t Dis the Hat!
Crazy dancing Jewish man: Hey, are you Jewish? Are you? Hey, I can tell you are! You look so Jewish! I know you are!
Woman: Why? Just because I have a fat ass and a big diamond ring? Fuck you and your big hat.
–14th St, in front of Purim Truck
