Archive for February, 2021

Wednes­days Are Pro­found­ly One-Linered

Yan­kees fan to Mets friends: When we go to the Yan­kees sta­di­um I’ll be like a re­tard at a Chuck E. Cheese.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Over­heard by: Da­nial

Po­lice of­fi­cer in van, on loud­speak­er: Move to the right! (peo­ple in cars ig­nore the or­der) Re­tards! You heard me! Move to the right!

–27th St & 10th Ave

Crazy guy, rant­i­ng: You can’t have sex with peo­ple who aren’t re­tard­ed be­cause they charge too damn much!

–V Train

Over­heard by: Ryan P.

Guy to girl: I nev­er said that I was­n’t re­tard­ed. Tech­ni­cal­ly, I’m not a hyp­ocrite.

–L Train

Over­heard by: Ju­lia

Heav­i­ly made-up girl: Do you think re­tard­ed peo­ple are, like, con­cep­tu­al­ly aware that they’re re­tard­ed?

–6 Train

Over­heard by: You tell me

Girl: The idea of a re­tard­ed Jack Rus­sell Ter­ri­er is com­plete­ly for­eign to me, be­cause as I re­call, Wish­bone was ex­cep­tion­al­ly well-read.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

A Tree Grows in Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fa­ther to daugh­ter: Girl, whatchu do­ing? You try­in’a go to cross the bridge? You try­in’a go to Brook­lyn? You want some cheese­cake? Some crack?

–Cen­tre St & Park Row

Over­heard by: Bar­ry P.

NYU so­cial plan­ner: I want­ed to get all the fresh­men out of the city for a lit­tle so I took them to Brook­lyn.

–Main Build­ing, NYU

Girl on cell: I’m not go­ing to Brook­lyn sober!

–12th & Broad­way

Woman on cell: So are you in town this week­end or in Brook­lyn?

–39th & 8th

Over­heard by: The Love­ly Miss Katie

Chick: Do you know the rules for be­ing in Brook­lyn?

–Law of­fice, 54th & 5th

Over­heard by: The le­gal in­tern

Bill Bat­son: It’s like the Na­tive Amer­i­cans all over again. Brook­lynites, we’re in­dige­nous. And now Man­hat­tan wants Man­i­fest Des­tiny.

–Van­der­bilt & Dekalb, Fort Greene, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Laris­sa Kyz­er

Lit­tle boy: I’m not go­ing to Brook­lyn! It’s stu­pid!

–110th & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Pre­fer Om­a­ha

Tourist: I don’t like this train line. On the L line they have bench­es so that you can kneel down and pray… And they don’t have crevices dig­ging in­to your ass and shit.

–1 train

Tourist girl: Let’s go to the Up­per Wet Side.

–Palace The­atre, Broad­way

Tourist: You haven’t been raped and stabbed ’til you’ve been raped and stabbed in New York.

–Cen­tral Park

Dude with huge back­pack, clutch­ing a map: Some­times you just don’t want to see a huge ball of twine, y’­know? It’s, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vig­or­ous­ly.]

–Man­hat­tan-bound L train

Mid­dle-aged tourist on cell: No, we got­ta go to Penn Cen­tral. Trust me, I know this place — we got­ta get to Penn Cen­tral.

–Penn Sta­tion

Look, the Chips are Red!

Co­lum­bia stu­dent #1: Would you like a free cook­ie from the Co­lum­bia an­ti-So­cial­ist club?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent #2: Should­n’t that be “earn a cook­ie”?

–Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: Mary Phillips-Sandy