Guy #1: You get married, so someone else can make your decision.
Guy #2: No, I got married so I can make someone else’s decisions also!
–Broadway
Overheard by: Rina
Archive for March, 2021
Wait, So Where Are We, Again?
Chick #1: Which one of these countries does not border Argentina? Brazil, Uruguay, Peru, or Bolivia?
Chick #2: Peru, duh.
Chick #3: Obviously. [Makes note on paper, reading aloud] Peru, Europe.
Chick #2: Peru’s not in Europe, dude.
Chick #3: No, no, because all the other countries are in South America, the reason Peru isn’t connected is because it’s in Europe!
–NYU
Step Three: Revise Facts to Fit Hypothesis
Girl #1: So, you’re a vegetarian?
Girl #2: Yep. Eating animals kills.
Girl #1: Wait, but you had sushi the other night.
Girl #2: Fish doesn’t count. It’s, like, not an animal.
Girl #1: Huh? Yeah, it is. It, like, breathes and stuff.
Girl #2: But it’s underwater.
Girl #1: No, it’s an animal, ’cause it moves around and swims.
Girl #2: Then how come I can eat it?
–NYU
You’d Get Tired Of Them in a Week, Same As the Rest of Us
Little girl, happily: And that’s why I want to die.
Father, laughing: Why’s that?
Little girl: So I can join the Grateful Dead!
–City Hall
I Mean, Who Wants to See Seussical the Musical?
Girl #1: I met a guy. He’s paying for tickets.
Girl #2: Oh, does he have money?
Girl #1: Of course! I wouldn’t do it otherwise.
–Forest Hills
But She Did This, Instead
Female hipster #1: Oh my god, I love your haircut!
Female hipster #2: Thanks…I asked for a mix of Suri Cruise, Anna Wintour and Nicole Richie circa 2005.
–27th St & 7th St
Dare We Ask about the “New Anal”?
Girl wielding pen: Sometimes I want to write on your face.
Guy: That’s okay. Sometimes I want to cum on your face.
Girl: Yeah, I know you do. I saw your porn collection.
Guy: So sue me. But look, I’m not talking about covering your face in jizz. Just a little on the side.
Girl: A little on the side?
Guy: Like on your cheek or the corner of your mouth.
Girl: I don’t think so.
Guy: You should. It’s only polite. Especially if you like me. It’s like the new swallowing.
–Fish Bar, East Village
Overheard by: John-John
Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners
Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.
–Macy’s, Herald Square
Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.
–Mail room, Financial District
Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!
–M14 bus
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.
–6 train
Overheard by: fridaholic
And I’m Out Of Pussy Stamps
Hobo #1, after staring a woman down: I need to buy some pussy.
Hobo #2, loudly: I need to buy some pussy but I ain’t got enough money to pay for the hotel or the pussy.
–38th & 9th
And That Turd Looks a Lot More Like St. Ignatius
Little boy: I see Jesus, I see Jesus!!
Mother, pulling on little boys arm: Stop using that word, Billy!
–Ladies Room, Brooklyn Restaurant
