Archive for March, 2021

Wait, So Where Are We, Again?

Chick #1: Which one of these coun­tries does not bor­der Ar­genti­na? Brazil, Uruguay, Pe­ru, or Bo­livia?
Chick #2: Pe­ru, duh.
Chick #3: Ob­vi­ous­ly. [Makes note on pa­per, read­ing aloud] Pe­ru, Eu­rope.
Chick #2: Pe­ru’s not in Eu­rope, dude.
Chick #3: No, no, be­cause all the oth­er coun­tries are in South Amer­i­ca, the rea­son Pe­ru is­n’t con­nect­ed is be­cause it’s in Eu­rope!

–NYU

Step Three: Re­vise Facts to Fit Hy­poth­e­sis

Girl #1: So, you’re a veg­e­tar­i­an?
Girl #2: Yep. Eat­ing an­i­mals kills.
Girl #1: Wait, but you had sushi the oth­er night.
Girl #2: Fish does­n’t count. It’s, like, not an an­i­mal.
Girl #1: Huh? Yeah, it is. It, like, breathes and stuff.
Girl #2: But it’s un­der­wa­ter.
Girl #1: No, it’s an an­i­mal, ’cause it moves around and swims.
Girl #2: Then how come I can eat it?

–NYU

Dare We Ask about the “New Anal”?

Girl wield­ing pen: Some­times I want to write on your face.
Guy: That’s okay. Some­times I want to cum on your face.
Girl: Yeah, I know you do. I saw your porn col­lec­tion.
Guy: So sue me. But look, I’m not talk­ing about cov­er­ing your face in jizz. Just a lit­tle on the side.
Girl: A lit­tle on the side?
Guy: Like on your cheek or the cor­ner of your mouth.
Girl: I don’t think so.
Guy: You should. It’s on­ly po­lite. Es­pe­cial­ly if you like me. It’s like the new swal­low­ing.

–Fish Bar, East Vil­lage

Over­heard by: John-John

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Sales­woman to cus­tomer on busy day: Some days you re­al­ly should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Ma­cy’s, Her­ald Square

Loud black la­dy on cell: Moth­a­fuck­ah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some oth­er… [whis­pers] bitch.

–Mail room, Fi­nan­cial Dis­trict

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on any­one else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Over­heard by: Eye­teeth

Con­duc­tor: Jes­si­ca! Jes­si­ca! Girl, you on this train. Jes­si­ca Eliz­a­beth! I’m tak­ing you home, girl.

–6 train

Over­heard by: frida­holic

And I’m Out Of Pussy Stamps

Hobo #1, af­ter star­ing a woman down: I need to buy some pussy.
Hobo #2, loud­ly: I need to buy some pussy but I ain’t got enough mon­ey to pay for the ho­tel or the pussy.

–38th & 9th