Archive for June, 2021

Was There Rat Kissing?

Seven-year-old girl: I’m going to see a movie this weekend. Can anyone guess what I’m going to see?
Seven-year-old boy: Ratatouille! I already saw it.
Seven-year-old girl: Yeah, I’m going to go see Ratatouille this weekend.
Seven-year-old boy: Yeah, I already saw it. And there’s this one part — yuck — you don’t want to see it. It’s bad, you really don’t want to see that part — it’s gross. [Whispers it to another kid.]Seven-year-old girl: What? Is there kissing? I can see kissing… If you think I’ve never seen kissing before, there’s kissing in every other movie I have ever seen in my life!

–Bleecker St playground

Why the Fashion Police Keep Emergency Suspenders in Their Squad Cars

Asian boy: Why are you wearing a belt over your shirt?
Asian girl: I don’t know. I like the way it looks.
Asian boy: Belts are supposed to hold your pants up. It can’t hold anything up if it’s over your shirt.
Asian girl: It’s fashion, okay?! My god!
Asian boy: … I hope your pants fall down!

–Stuyvesant High

Overheard by: she was wearing a skirt

Endsday One-Liners

Irritated girl to imploring guy: I’m gonna have enough to answer for on Judgment Day – I’m not adding this to the list.

–Strip Club, Times Square

20-something prepster: If the zombie apocalypse happens tomorrow, we are all fucked.

–L Train

Thug, at sunset: Yo, it be gettin’ dark, nigga! It’s like the apocalypse or some shit!

–Cortelyou & E 17th St

Overheard by: Jon A.

Exasperated man: If you create a black hole, it’s going to destroy the world no matter *where* you put it!

–14th St & 6th

Overheard by: wishingscienceweretaughtinschool

I See London, I See France, I See Wednesday’s One-Liners!

Blonde: So, I woke up and Jessica’s underwear was still on my head…

–P.S. 1, Queens

Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! … I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!

–Grand Central

Chick on cell: I do have underwear in my purse in case I need it.

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Lady to son: Well, it is never appropriate to ask a woman about her undergarments.

–20th & 8th

Hoochie: He offered me 10 dollars for my underwear, but I wouldn’t do it.

–St. Mark’s & 1st

Overheard by: Nina

You Can’t Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner

College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I’ve ever seen!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re calling him L‑train.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Harker

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m reading. It’s off the hook! They’re sending in this undercover agent, and I think it’s his sister, but he’s all getting ready to have sex with her!

–White Castle, 36th & 8th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!

–Union Square

Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, “Don’t take her to McDonald’s!”

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Laura

Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl’s shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?

–Mott & Prince