Archive for June, 2021

Was There Rat Kiss­ing?

Sev­en-year-old girl: I’m go­ing to see a movie this week­end. Can any­one guess what I’m go­ing to see?
Sev­en-year-old boy: Rata­touille! I al­ready saw it.
Sev­en-year-old girl: Yeah, I’m go­ing to go see Rata­touille this week­end.
Sev­en-year-old boy: Yeah, I al­ready saw it. And there’s this one part — yuck — you don’t want to see it. It’s bad, you re­al­ly don’t want to see that part — it’s gross. [Whis­pers it to an­oth­er kid.]Seven-year-old girl: What? Is there kiss­ing? I can see kiss­ing… If you think I’ve nev­er seen kiss­ing be­fore, there’s kiss­ing in every oth­er movie I have ever seen in my life!

–Bleeck­er St play­ground

Ends­day One-Lin­ers

Ir­ri­tat­ed girl to im­plor­ing guy: I’m gonna have enough to an­swer for on Judg­ment Day–I’m not adding this to the list.

–Strip Club, Times Square

20-some­thing prep­ster: If the zom­bie apoc­a­lypse hap­pens to­mor­row, we are all fucked.

–L Train

Thug, at sun­set: Yo, it be get­tin’ dark, nig­ga! It’s like the apoc­a­lypse or some shit!

–Corte­ly­ou & E 17th St

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Ex­as­per­at­ed man: If you cre­ate a black hole, it’s go­ing to de­stroy the world no mat­ter *where* you put it!

–14th St & 6th

Over­heard by: wish­ing­sciencewere­taugh­tin­school

I See Lon­don, I See France, I See Wednes­day’s One-Lin­ers!

Blonde: So, I woke up and Jes­si­ca’s un­der­wear was still on my head…

–P.S. 1, Queens

Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! … I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!

–Grand Cen­tral

Chick on cell: I do have un­der­wear in my purse in case I need it.

–113th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

La­dy to son: Well, it is nev­er ap­pro­pri­ate to ask a woman about her un­der­gar­ments.

–20th & 8th

Hoochie: He of­fered me 10 dol­lars for my un­der­wear, but I would­n’t do it.

–St. Mark’s & 1st

Over­heard by: Ni­na

You Can’t Judge a Wednes­day by Its One-Lin­er

Col­lege stu­dent: This is the best Barnes & No­ble I’ve ever seen!

–Bor­ders, Time Warn­er Cen­ter

Stu­dent: So, the au­thor of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re call­ing him L‑train.

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Over­heard by: Hark­er

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m read­ing. It’s off the hook! They’re send­ing in this un­der­cov­er agent, and I think it’s his sis­ter, but he’s all get­ting ready to have sex with her!

–White Cas­tle, 36th & 8th

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & No­ble. (pause) Nig­ga, I can read!

–Union Square

Lit­tle British boy: Oh my good­ness, dad, look! They have books on dat­ing. How to Date? is prob­a­bly like, “Don’t take her to Mc­Don­ald’s!”

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Tat­tooed art­sy guy, putting hand on art­sy Asian girl’s shoul­der: I read your book and re­al­ly liked it… lot­ta piss­ing, huh?

–Mott & Prince