Archive for August, 2021

Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Alexandra

Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brooklyn

20 something blonde on cell: … Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it’s different every time, like it almost disappears… Then another time its all swinging and shit… Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mumbles.]

–LIRR

Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don’t know how to get his attention.

–A Train

Overheard by: Why MoMa?

Wednesday One-Liners Are Another Year Older but None the Wiser

20-something: I didn’t even realize it was my birthday until I checked Facebook!

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: mtrainetiquette

Girl to friend: We should celebrate tonight–it’s my half birthday in 10 days.

–Crocodile Lounge, E 14th St

Tourist: See nobody is wearing birthday scars…

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy to girl: Wait, did you really believe I was going to get you a Hello Kitty vibrator for your birthday?

–45th & 8th

Drunk girl to hobo: It’s my birthday! You should be giving *me* money!

–111 & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners for the Great Depression

Man in pink shirt: So, I saw this homeless man, and he asked for change. I was like, ‘Man, I’m even more fucked than you are. I spent my last change on a metro card.’ And then the guy is like, ‘Well, at least you have clothes,’ and so I was like, ‘No, I borrowed this from a drama performance.’ And then he said have I eaten? I was like, ‘No, I only ate a sandwich two days ago.’ The homeless guy is like, ‘You’re right — you are worse off than me.’

–N train

Chick: You know that hobo asking for a motorcycle? He now wants dinner in the Hamptons.

–79th & Broadway

Dude: If we see a homeless guy tonight, ask him if he saw last night’s South Park.

–Manhattan-bound LIRR, Port Washington line

Chick: Let’s become homeless people so we can just stay on this train.

–Metro-North to Grand Central

Overheard by: jj

Lady on cell: Yeah, I don’t like singles… I don’t like homeless people, either. I’d give my singles to the homeless.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Beez

Queer hipster: Oh my god! Some hobo just asked if I wanted to see his pubic wonderland!

–68th & Lexington

Drunk girl to friend: I mean, he’s not, like, homeless-homeless… He’s medium homeless!

–Bleecker & Thompson