Archive for 2021

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, the Shep­herds of New York

Con­duc­tor: This is the last stop — Brook­lyn Bridge, City Hall. Y’all have a nice day and be good, now… But if you can’t be good, be baaad.

–6 train

Over­heard by: Paul Schroed­er

Con­duc­tor: Good morn­ing, every­body. This is your 7:15 New Haven train, ex­press to Green­wich. To in­fin­i­ty, and be­yond!

–Con­necti­cut-bound Metro-North train

MTA work­er: This sta­tion is now closed. No train is com­ing here. You all have to get out of here!

–8th St N/Q/R/W sta­tion

Over­heard by: bKSquared+AV

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, please re­mem­ber that every car of this train has four doors, so 27 peo­ple in front of one door — well, it is not schol­ar­ship ma­te­r­i­al. Let’s use our brains, peo­ple. Then you won’t have to bump your guns and com­plain that the A is nev­er on time.

–A train, 96th St

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

Con­duc­tor: At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers, the last two cars will not plat­form at Bellerose, ei­ther. That means if the doors did­n’t open for you at the last sta­tion, they won’t open at Bellerose, ei­ther, so stop stand­ing look­ing con­fused, and walk for­ward!

–Hemp­stead-bound LIRR

Over­heard by: Nathalie

Con­duc­tor: For those of you stand­ing in the first five cars, the back three cars are al­most emp­ty. Come sit down! I’m lone­ly back here.

–Metro-North

Con­duc­tor: And now… the mass ex­o­dus!

–F train

Over­heard by: da sarkastik nin­ja.

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts

Hip­ster: And I was like, ‘Okay, well, here’s some ad­vice for you, then: Why don’t you peel a ba­nana and shove it up your ass?’

–Bed­ford Ave

Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!

–Man­hat­tan Mall

Over­heard by: Aus­ton McLain

Girl to guy: I am not shov­ing any­thing in your hole!

–LIRR

Over­heard by: mish

Mid­dle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.

–5th Ave & Union

Over­heard by: Stephen

Woman on cell: You tell him he bet­ter pay for it. I bet­ter get his mon­ey. He needs a dick up the ass, that’s what he needs. A fuck­ing dick up the ass. ‘Cause I got it. I got it all. So he bet­ter fuck­ing pay for it.

–Re­stroom, JFK

Over­heard by: co­lette

An­gry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don’t un­der­stand re­li­gion!

–Em­pire State Build­ing, 34th & 5th

Over­heard by: Wendy Booz