Yuppie girlfriend: I can’t play this damn guitar!
Yuppie boyfriend: That’s okay. If you can’t play the guitar, you can always be a prostitute.
–A train
Overheard by: HC
Archive for 2021
Um… Nail Gun!
Customer: Got anything to kill a mouse?
Clerk: Hammer!
Customer: Yeah, tried that.
–True Value Hardware Store, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: I Prefer A Circular Saw
The Niceties of Wednesday One-Liners
Angry man yelling into pay phone: Do you know what extortion is? Yeah? Well, it’s not nice.
–Polish resturant, Brooklyn Heights
Bus driver: To all the nice people who didn’t curse at the bus driver, thank you.
–Bx 8 bus
Overheard by: You’re Welcome
Woman collecting money for Coalition for the Homeless: Now, you have a nice day, sir! I don’t wanna tell you have a nice day, because you’re a horrible person! You should be giving me money, but you ain’t and you’re going to hell! But I’m a good person, so I’m going to say have a nice day anyway! Have a nice day, ladies. Shalom!
–42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Michelle Smith
Homely redhead: I started dating this new guy, and that’s really good because I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. We’ve been on two dates and he’s married and he’s really nice.
–60th & 5th
Dude: He’s a nice guy. If you cross him he’ll tie your ears together and slingshot boxes of wine in your face.
–Bleecker
Chick: She is a nice girl! Completely crazy.
–67th St stop, Queens
The Reproduction of Wednesday One-liners
Woman on cell: You don’t go to work, you go to day care. You don’t do shit!
–76th & Lexington
Whenever It Tries to Escape, They Drag It Back
Teenager: Who wants to sleep on the plane? Lets just stay here!
Dad: Who knows, this plane might go to Anchorage or something…
Teenager: Oh cool, I like Canada. I wouldn’t mind staying there.
Flight attendant: Anchorage is in Alaska…
–LGA
Overheard by: Tired FA
Resistance is Futile
Queer: Does your family have ham or turkey for Christmas dinner?
Girl: We can’t have ham on Christmas, it isn’t kosher. We have turkey.
Queer: Why are you celebrating Christmas if you’re Jewish?
Girl: Dunno. Good question.
–East Village
I Had to Go through the Rinse Cycle Twice Later
Girl #1: So, I finally let him give me a massage, and it was totally gross.
Girl #2: Really? Like how?
Girl #1: You know, the usual. He went through the boner cycle, like, three times.
–A train
Overheard by: Dash Riprock
…Just Like It Says on Our State Crest.
Yuppie woman, bumping into hobo: Oh, I’m sorry!
Hobo, turning around and following her: That’s okay! This is fucking New York! Don’t apologize! Bitches be knocking into everyone all the time!
–3rd Ave & 13th St
Voyage to the Islands
Stoner #1 reading Hustler: Hey… Hey, man, check this out — I… like… it… when… my… boyfriend? … And… I… do… it… in… the… Oh, bathroom!
Stoner #2: You alright man?
Stoner #1: I can’t read… or… something.
Stoner #2: I never read Hustler. There’s no point, man. Right?
Stoner #1: I have no idea, but it’s hot.
Stoner #2: You wanna get some weed?
Stoner #1: Is there weed in [reads screen] … Ronkork? Rangenkem? Bombonkama? Uh…
Stoner #2: Ronkonkoma?
Stoner #1: Yeah!
–Penn Station
But He’s a Major Tourist Attraction
Manic tourist lady #1: Oh wow, the front of the train. I’ve never been in FRONT before. Look! Haha! No driver!
Manic tourist lady #2: No driver? Seriously? Excuse me, sir? Who’s driving this subway?
Local looks up from paper and looks around frantically.
Manic tourist #2: Wait, seriously? Oh my God, should we get off?
Manic tourist #1: Oh, calm down. He’s just joking. We can’t get off ’til Union Square.
Local: Ma’am, I swear to God that I’m not joking. Nobody’s driving this train. I’m just as terrified as you are.
Manic tourist #2: Oh, whatever. He’s one of those New York assholes we heard about. Ignore him.
–4 train, 59th St
Overheard by: got off too
