Archive for 2021

Yeah, I Love Trenton in the Springtime

Chick #1: I can’t wait to hang out next semester!
Chick #2: Oh, I won’t be here.
Chick #1: Where are you going?
Chick #2: Dude, I’ll be in Paris for spring semester.
Chick #1: What? Who from Jersey goes to Paris?
Chick #2: Hello, Liz from Jersey.
Chick #1: Dude, you’re gonna miss Jersey so much!
Chick #2: I know.
Chick #1: Yeah, Paris is so lame. You so shouldn’t go.

–Columbia University

They’re Essentially Running Around Barefoot, Rubbing Sticks Together for Fire

Curly teen: Did you see that guy with tattoos all over his face? Do you think he’s allowed above 14th Street?
Brunette teen: I think he can get to 23rd without too much damage.
Curly teen: No way, Chelsea is too classy to handle that.
Brunette teen: Not really. They did just open up a Chipotle.

–Union Square

All Wednesday One-Liners Over Six Ounces Will Be Confiscated

[Plane lands, bounces 20 feet into the air, finally slams back to earth, knocking all the oxygen masks out.]Flight Attendant: Thank you for choosing American Airlines, ladies and gentlemen, obviously we have have landed…

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: M. Smith/Terrified Passenger

Flight Attendant: Chicken or beef? Chicken or beef? … Don’t think about it too long honey, they taste like cardboard.

–United Flight

Flight Attendant: We have two lavatories in the back of the plane and one in the front. Please use them.

–LaGuardia Airport

Pilot: Remember, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 8 ways out of this aircraft.

–JFK Runway

Overheard by: cms

Pilot, after an unusually smooth landing: God damn, that landin’ was butta!

–Jet Blue JFK

Wednesday One-Liners Hit the Bottle

Woman on train yelling to one who didn’t make it: I’m still not giving the baby back!

–1 train

Overheard by: ana

Pregnant teen: Yeah, I smoked weed with her, and the next thing I heard she had a crack baby…

–6 train

Overheard by: Hoping her baby isn’t a crackhead…

Hipster on cell: So, how’s your baby? What? Oh, I heard you got knocked up!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Evan

Bus driver to another: … And I was like, ‘How do you forget your baby on the bus?!’

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Elliott

Woman: Oh my god, I was in the other elevator and this lady was going in with a crib. I didn’t know she had a baby! So I stepped in front of her and the crib thing… I totally was in my own world and didn’t mean it, but they kicked me out of that elevator, so now I’m here.

–Crowded elevator, BPC South End Ave

Chick to friend: If she had never aborted that baby me and him woulda never got together, ’cause I don’t fuck with niggas with kids. Fuck that shit.

–L train, Montrose Ave stop

Overheard by: Emily