Distraught backpacker: How can you live in this city? My god, how can you live here?
Old woman: What?
Distraught backpacker: Where are the trees?! Where is the ocean?
–10th Ave
Archive for 2021
She Totally Got Sodomized by the Hulk
Girl: I talked to Jackie. She got some kind of bug in India!
Guy: Oh, no! What happened?
Girl: I don’t think I should talk about this now.
Guy: Whatever, no one cares.
Girl: Okay. Well, she was shitting green.
Guy: Oh, my God! Wait, I should not be laughing, that is not funny at all.
Girl: Yeah, and the doctor asked her to bring in a stool sample and she was shitting so much that she brought one in a half hour later. The doctors were like, “What the fuck?”.
–Union Square Regal Cinemas
There is No Transfer There There
Man #1: Oh no…
Man #2: Can we go back to LA now?
Woman: Please do.
–Bedford Avenue station
And It’ll Be a Lot More Fun Now That I Can Actually Hold My Liquor!
Girl #1: Real New Yorkers hate LA. I’m sure I’d hate it if I had to live there.
Girl #2: Yeah, la’s terrible. I wouldn’t mind living in San Francisco, though, because I was baptized there.
Girl #3: I don’t know, LA’s kind of fun for like a year.
Girl #1: When did you live there?
Girl #3: Third grade.
–LIRR
Overheard by: bunbury
Or a Tranquilizer Gun
Guy on cell: Oh my god, can you see my cornhole? Well, does it at least look good? I went with him to Two Boots. I feel like I’m completely impacted. I might have to get three colonics.
Girl with him, after he hangs up: Oh my god, I really need a boyfriend.
–Sugar Sweet Sunshine Bakery
Probably Best to Have Your Coffee at Work
Chick #1: What were you doing and why were you walking so hard?
Chick #2: The elevator man kept going up and down and missed my stop, and I really had to pee, so I had to rush to this floor and use the bathroom. I’ve been holding it since Brooklyn, and I peed on myself a little. My pants are wet.
Chick #3: What?!
Chick #1 starts laughing hysterically.
Chick #2 stomps away, screaming: I hate you!
Chick #1: I’m not laughing at you! I’m not laughing at you!
–57th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bdizzle
Sounds Like a Nice Druish Boy
Girl #1: I think true love is when you know someone isn’t perfect but you still think they are.
Girl #2: I thought love was when you could still feel butterflies in your heart even after he tells you he thinks he’s an elf.
Girl #1: I keep forgetting that actually happened.
Girl #2: Yeah, and not to you.
Girl #1: Yeah, I don’t know how I would have taken it.
–58th & 5th
A Bush Fan, Are You?
Blonde: Oh my god! Look, they have a calendar counting down until Bush’s inauguration.
Brunette: What’s “inauguration”?
Blonde: The day he leaves office.
–Barnes & Noble
The Nicean Council, 2005
Dominican woman: “…angeles y arcangeles y cherubimes.”…Cuales son cherubimes?
Dominican teen #1: Cherubims? Those are those angel babies, you know, with the wings?
Dominican teen #2: Yeah, like the ones on your shower curtain?
Dominican teen #1: Right.
Dominican woman: Y cuales son arcangeles?
Dominican teen #1: Ohhh…those are those big ones, with the big wings. And they’re older.
–Rosa’s Hair Salon, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Michael Kane
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Fourth Sacrament
Girl: I can’t complain because we’re not married — then I can complain all I want.
–Iron Sushi
14-year-old girl to mom: If you had married that other guy I would have been so much taller!
–70th & Lex
Overheard by: Evelyn
Hobo to bystander: You’re gonna marry a woman and not know she’s a government agent? How retarded can you get?!
–Queens-bound V train
Chick: What you’re saying is, he couldn’t afford the wastebasket so he got a wife?
–140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
20-ish chick on cell: I don’t care! He has chubby fingers… I’m still not going to marry him.
–97th & Broadway
Professor: Will you marry me?! Your father is dead!
–NYU
