Archive for 2021

She To­tal­ly Got Sodom­ized by the Hulk

Girl: I talked to Jack­ie. She got some kind of bug in In­dia!
Guy: Oh, no! What hap­pened?
Girl: I don’t think I should talk about this now.
Guy: What­ev­er, no one cares.
Girl: Okay. Well, she was shit­ting green.
Guy: Oh, my God! Wait, I should not be laugh­ing, that is not fun­ny at all.
Girl: Yeah, and the doc­tor asked her to bring in a stool sam­ple and she was shit­ting so much that she brought one in a half hour lat­er. The doc­tors were like, “What the fuck?”.

–Union Square Re­gal Cin­e­mas

And It’ll Be a Lot More Fun Now That I Can Ac­tu­al­ly Hold My Liquor!

Girl #1: Re­al New York­ers hate LA. I’m sure I’d hate it if I had to live there.
Girl #2: Yeah, la’s ter­ri­ble. I would­n’t mind liv­ing in San Fran­cis­co, though, be­cause I was bap­tized there.
Girl #3: I don’t know, LA’s kind of fun for like a year.
Girl #1: When did you live there?
Girl #3: Third grade.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: bun­bury

Or a Tran­quil­iz­er Gun

Guy on cell: Oh my god, can you see my corn­hole? Well, does it at least look good? I went with him to Two Boots. I feel like I’m com­plete­ly im­pact­ed. I might have to get three colonics.
Girl with him, af­ter he hangs up: Oh my god, I re­al­ly need a boyfriend.

–Sug­ar Sweet Sun­shine Bak­ery

Prob­a­bly Best to Have Your Cof­fee at Work

Chick #1: What were you do­ing and why were you walk­ing so hard?
Chick #2: The el­e­va­tor man kept go­ing up and down and missed my stop, and I re­al­ly had to pee, so I had to rush to this floor and use the bath­room. I’ve been hold­ing it since Brook­lyn, and I peed on my­self a lit­tle. My pants are wet.
Chick #3: What?!

Chick #1 starts laugh­ing hys­ter­i­cal­ly.

Chick #2 stomps away, scream­ing: I hate you!
Chick #1: I’m not laugh­ing at you! I’m not laugh­ing at you!

–57th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Bdiz­zle

Sounds Like a Nice Druish Boy

Girl #1: I think true love is when you know some­one is­n’t per­fect but you still think they are.
Girl #2: I thought love was when you could still feel but­ter­flies in your heart even af­ter he tells you he thinks he’s an elf.
Girl #1: I keep for­get­ting that ac­tu­al­ly hap­pened.
Girl #2: Yeah, and not to you.
Girl #1: Yeah, I don’t know how I would have tak­en it.

–58th & 5th

The Nicean Coun­cil, 2005

Do­mini­can woman: “…an­ge­les y ar­can­ge­les y cherubimes.”…Cuales son cheru­bimes?
Do­mini­can teen #1: Cheru­bims? Those are those an­gel ba­bies, you know, with the wings?
Do­mini­can teen #2: Yeah, like the ones on your show­er cur­tain?
Do­mini­can teen #1: Right.
Do­mini­can woman: Y cuales son ar­can­ge­les?
Do­mini­can teen #1: Ohhh…those are those big ones, with the big wings. And they’re old­er.

–Rosa’s Hair Sa­lon, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Michael Kane

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are the Fourth Sacra­ment

Girl: I can’t com­plain be­cause we’re not mar­ried — then I can com­plain all I want.

–Iron Sushi

14-year-old girl to mom: If you had mar­ried that oth­er guy I would have been so much taller!

–70th & Lex

Over­heard by: Eve­lyn

Hobo to by­stander: You’re gonna mar­ry a woman and not know she’s a gov­ern­ment agent? How re­tard­ed can you get?!

–Queens-bound V train

Chick: What you’re say­ing is, he could­n’t af­ford the waste­bas­ket so he got a wife?

–140th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-ish chick on cell: I don’t care! He has chub­by fin­gers… I’m still not go­ing to mar­ry him.

–97th & Broad­way

Pro­fes­sor: Will you mar­ry me?! Your fa­ther is dead!

–NYU