Archive for 2021

She Totally Got Sodomized by the Hulk

Girl: I talked to Jackie. She got some kind of bug in India!
Guy: Oh, no! What happened?
Girl: I don’t think I should talk about this now.
Guy: Whatever, no one cares.
Girl: Okay. Well, she was shitting green.
Guy: Oh, my God! Wait, I should not be laughing, that is not funny at all.
Girl: Yeah, and the doctor asked her to bring in a stool sample and she was shitting so much that she brought one in a half hour later. The doctors were like, “What the fuck?”.

–Union Square Regal Cinemas

And It’ll Be a Lot More Fun Now That I Can Actually Hold My Liquor!

Girl #1: Real New Yorkers hate LA. I’m sure I’d hate it if I had to live there.
Girl #2: Yeah, la’s terrible. I wouldn’t mind living in San Francisco, though, because I was baptized there.
Girl #3: I don’t know, LA’s kind of fun for like a year.
Girl #1: When did you live there?
Girl #3: Third grade.

–LIRR

Overheard by: bunbury

Or a Tranquilizer Gun

Guy on cell: Oh my god, can you see my cornhole? Well, does it at least look good? I went with him to Two Boots. I feel like I’m completely impacted. I might have to get three colonics.
Girl with him, after he hangs up: Oh my god, I really need a boyfriend.

–Sugar Sweet Sunshine Bakery

Probably Best to Have Your Coffee at Work

Chick #1: What were you doing and why were you walking so hard?
Chick #2: The elevator man kept going up and down and missed my stop, and I really had to pee, so I had to rush to this floor and use the bathroom. I’ve been holding it since Brooklyn, and I peed on myself a little. My pants are wet.
Chick #3: What?! 

Chick #1 starts laughing hysterically.

Chick #2 stomps away, screaming: I hate you!
Chick #1: I’m not laughing at you! I’m not laughing at you!

–57th & Broadway

Overheard by: Bdizzle

Sounds Like a Nice Druish Boy

Girl #1: I think true love is when you know someone isn’t perfect but you still think they are.
Girl #2: I thought love was when you could still feel butterflies in your heart even after he tells you he thinks he’s an elf.
Girl #1: I keep forgetting that actually happened.
Girl #2: Yeah, and not to you.
Girl #1: Yeah, I don’t know how I would have taken it.

–58th & 5th

The Nicean Council, 2005

Dominican woman: “…angeles y arcangeles y cherubimes.”…Cuales son cherubimes?
Dominican teen #1: Cherubims? Those are those angel babies, you know, with the wings?
Dominican teen #2: Yeah, like the ones on your shower curtain?
Dominican teen #1: Right.
Dominican woman: Y cuales son arcangeles?
Dominican teen #1: Ohhh…those are those big ones, with the big wings. And they’re older.

–Rosa’s Hair Salon, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Michael Kane 

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Fourth Sacrament

Girl: I can’t complain because we’re not married — then I can complain all I want.

–Iron Sushi

14-year-old girl to mom: If you had married that other guy I would have been so much taller!

–70th & Lex

Overheard by: Evelyn

Hobo to bystander: You’re gonna marry a woman and not know she’s a government agent? How retarded can you get?!

–Queens-bound V train

Chick: What you’re saying is, he couldn’t afford the wastebasket so he got a wife?

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

20-ish chick on cell: I don’t care! He has chubby fingers… I’m still not going to marry him.

–97th & Broadway

Professor: Will you marry me?! Your father is dead!

–NYU