Archive for 2021

Holy Crap, Some­one Please Tape That Call

Thug kid: When are you hav­ing that damn ba­by?
Preg­gers: I was due last week and I want a C‑section but the doc­tor said we should­n’t do it yet.
Thug kid: I’­ma call that doc­tor to­mor­row and tell him to take that nig­ga out.

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: An­tho­ny Am­i­co

That’ll Be Fif­teen Dol­lars.

Hip­pie, count­ing his cash: How much for a Jack & Coke?
Bar­tender: Ten dol­lars.
Hip­pie: Can I have a Bud Light?

–Blue­grass Con­cert, Nokia The­ater

Mis­souri or Kansas?

Cop to cab­bie: Hur­ry up, you Ara­bi­an fuck! Dum­b­ass tow­el-heads…
Tourist mom: Do you have to use that lan­guage? There are chil­dren present.
Cop: La­dy, shut up. This is New York — ei­ther get with it or get out.
Tourist mom: This nev­er would have hap­pened back in Kansas City.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Cele­bre­tards

Young black guy to an­oth­er: You know, Oba­ma is to pol­i­tics what Richard Sim­mons is to ex­er­cise.

–PATH Train

Guy stand­ing out­side bar: And she was like, “What, like Gary Cole­man?” and I’m like, “No, not like fuck­ing Gary Cole­man!”

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green on­ly had one tes­ti­cle. It’s to­tal­ly fine.

–E 11th St

Over­heard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, “Fuck you, Ryan Cabr­era”!

–Bed­ford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we’re like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Bor­ders, Wall St

Over­heard by: step

Guy (af­ter tak­ing pic­ture with Je­re­my Piv­en): Damn! I can’t put this on My­Space. I’m wear­ing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Out­side Bar­ry­more The­atre

Over­heard by: Pasta…Salad