Archive for 2021

I Run the Hobo Gaunt­let Every Day

Yup­pie girl: I need to get an ex­fo­liant. You know that weird rough patch on my face?
Yup­pie guy: Yeah.
Yup­pie girl: I had it for a few weeks and just re­al­ized it was dead skin cells.
Yup­pie guy: Ew.
Yup­pie girl: Yeah, I just thought it was dried spit.

–Whole Foods check-out line, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: bathed and ex­fo­li­at­ed dai­ly

Much Like the Con­tin­ued Pop­u­lar­i­ty of Walk­er: Texas Ranger

Drunk guy to laugh­ing Asian: There is no the­o­ry of evolution–only a list of an­i­mals Chuck Nor­ris al­lows to live.
Girl­friend: Babe, no more Chuck Nor­ris, please!
Drunk guy: But Chuck Nor…
Girl­friend: No, give me one good rea­son you should talk about Chuck Nor­ris.
Drunk guy (with­out hes­i­ta­tion): Cause god want­ed 10 days to cre­ate the world, and Chuck Nor­ris on­ly gave him 6, do you want an 8‑day work week? Huh?
Girl­friend to friend: How did I just lose this ar­gu­ment?
Friend: Yeah, that was un­ex­pect­ed.

–Zanz­ibar Bar

Over­heard by: Wish i was chuck nor­ris

He­m­or­rhoidal Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl on cell: Hon­ey, they zapped my ass­hole.

–Out­side Tribeca Grand Ho­tel

Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A‑S-S-H-O-L‑E, with an ac­cent on the E… His ma­ma named him Ass­hole!

–Bus, be­tween 77th & 76th

Over­heard by: It’s a Jer­sey thing

Queer on cell: Tell him that if his ass­hole tin­gles, he’ll know I’m near.

–Franklin & Broad­way

Hobo: It does­n’t take a ge­nius to see it. He’s a flam­ing ass­hole who needs to be spanked.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: i wish i was a tourist some­times

Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ ass­hole… Even in a wheel­chair he’s a fuckin’ ass­hole!

–9th St & 2nd Ave

Chick: Oh, he’s much bet­ter than any oth­er guy I’ve dat­ed… He’s not an ass­hole, he’s not Type A… My on­ly prob­lem with him is that he’s not de­pressed enough.

–Amore’s Piz­za, 14th St

Over­heard by: dues