Dude #1: … Saddam?
Dude #2: Nah, crocodiles!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Sully
Archive for 2021
I Forgot You Have to Chop the Person Up First
Chick: Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?
Dude: Yeah, you tried to pack me in a suitcase once.
Chick: Oh, yeah! And you wouldn’t get in!
Dude: Yeah.
Chick: Yeah…
Chick erupts with nervous laughter.
–Uptown 6 train
Overheard by: kelsey
I See London, I See France, I See Wednesday’s One-Liners!
Blonde: So, I woke up and Jessica’s underwear was still on my head…
–P.S. 1, Queens
Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! … I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!
–Grand Central
Chick on cell: I do have underwear in my purse in case I need it.
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady to son: Well, it is never appropriate to ask a woman about her undergarments.
–20th & 8th
Hoochie: He offered me 10 dollars for my underwear, but I wouldn’t do it.
–St. Mark’s & 1st
Overheard by: Nina
You Can’t Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner
College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I’ve ever seen!
–Borders, Time Warner Center
Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re calling him L‑train.
–Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Harker
Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m reading. It’s off the hook! They’re sending in this undercover agent, and I think it’s his sister, but he’s all getting ready to have sex with her!
–White Castle, 36th & 8th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!
–Union Square
Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, “Don’t take her to McDonald’s!”
–Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Laura
Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl’s shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?
–Mott & Prince
Ben Stein’s “Clear Eyes” Commercials Get Creepier Every Year
Deli man: You have beautiful eyes.
Woman: Thank you.
Deli man: You better take care of them.
–63rd & 1st
Probably at His Krispy Kreme Office
Lawyer guy: Don’t worry about that, ma’am. We’re gonna make sure you don’t have to worry about money for a long, long time.
Hobo: Shit, you got some money? Let me hold a million dollars.
Lawyer guy: Ha, ha, ha! No thank you, sir.
Hobo: You ain’t shit, nigga. Fuck you and your gay-ass hair. Where were you when I broke my leg, Mista Lawya?
–Dunkin’ Donuts, Fulton & Nassau
Overheard by: Matt M
Surely She Doesn’t Mean Ronald reggiN?
Woman: …you know, he was much darker than the other kids who were really white, so he was called a nigger. He was dyslexic.
Man: Wha?
Woman: But he was a strong boy. One time when he was bitten by a dog, I came in to his room and he was lying there with blood on him. He didn’t scream or say a word…a very strong boy.
Man: What are you talking about?
–Times Square
It’s Even Hard for Grownups to Grasp
Obese black woman, explaining 9/11 to seven-year-old daughter: We talk about this every day, honey. The ending’s not gonna change.
Daughter: They put up the flag up after? Didn’t it get dirty?
Obese black woman: Well, they kinda had more important things to deal with. They didn’t have a washing machine there.
–R Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Wednesday One-Liners You Can Dance to
Dude: He’s the black, blind Motown equivalent of Kenny G.
–113th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Girl, while leaving screening of “I am legend”: Okay… I cannot believe the woman did not know Bob Marley! I mean, that had to be the most unrealistic thing in that entire film.
–Fresh Meadows, Queens
Overheard by: hmmm…
Curly-haired chick: Has New Order become an okay kinky sex background band? Am I *old*?
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Poogins
Guy, standing next to guy listening to Journey on his iPod: Get away from me! Just get the fuck away from me!
–2 Train
Dumb girl dressed like Scary Spice en route to the concert: Yeah, a lot of people think that the Spice Girls like, reinstated feminism.
–NJ Transit
Yale grad: Eminem has a wonderful sense of meter.
–Court St., Brooklyn
Overheard by: Justin Casement
Queer: We only stayed for 15 minutes, I’m not that into karaoke. And when a coven of lesbians start casting their spells to “My Sharona”, I was outta there.”
–Chambers & Greenwich
Overheard by: Grand Witch Muffy
You’ll Probably Work Here Some Day.
Mother at window to crying eight-year-old boy: Hsst! Stop! Act like a human, not an animal! Or I won’t bring you here with me again.
(boy keeps crying because his sister stole his toy)
Mother to boy, as they leave: Now, you know you’ve been a very annoying little person, don’t you?
–Post Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Katherine
