Archive for 2021

Wednesday One-Liners Get Schooled

Professor: So what do we know about these debt notes?” (silence) So what do *I* know about these debt notes, that obviously you don’t know?

–NYU Law School

Overheard by: Ames

Professor: My favorite words to hear are “just do nothing.” My second favorites are “open bar.”

–College of Mount Saint Vincent, Bronx

Environmental history professor: Look at some of the items on this menu from a hotel of Chicago Thanksgiving dinner from 1872: loin of buffalo, antelope steak in mushroom sauce, ham of bear, black tail deer, leg of mountain sheep, buffalo tongue… Miss Palin, your table is ready.

–Classroom, Fordham University

Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand

Linguistics professor, about Spanish-speaking families who live in Spanish-speaking neighborhoods: The only English these people hear is from their landlords and social workers.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Latka Hero

NYU professor: So we’re going to be walking, and you’ll notice I walk pretty fast. But we’re in New York, and you’re supposed to walk like you know exactly where you’re going in life and nothing is in your way. Because if you slow down you’ll get mugged. (beat) It’s dog eat dog, people.

–NYU Classroom

Russian literature professor: Oh my god, you just totally missed the point of Jesus!

–NYU Classroom

Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

Middle-Aged man: I hope we don’t get caught.
Prostitute: Don’t worry, I never have.

–81st & Amsterdam
Headline by: Sean 

Runners-Up:
· “…Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force.” — Ingwall
· “Any Extra Charge For the Lip Service?” — Hobo Whisperer
· “He Was Looking For, ”Cause Then We’d Have to Be Punished…’ ” — alex
· “I’ve Got My Lucky Condom” — Sheri
· “Is Hugh Grant Considered ‘Middle-Aged’?” — Matthew McGuirl
· “My Parents Will Be Home in an Hour” — Lois
· “Skip the Condom. She’s Been Tested, Too” — Andy Adelewitz
· “Take Your Father to Work Day” — Sean Mc Grath

Honorable mentions:
· “Charge Me If You Can” — petch
· “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em (in Public)” — Heather
· “They Were Talking About Their Braces.” — Allison

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-liners are Out in the Streets

Hobo: Shit, I’m jus’ tryin’ ta get me some pussy and a beef sandwich.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jason K 

Old bag lady: I’m looking for some change, some food, or a sexual partner.

–Lafayette & Great Jones

Hobo: I have something to say! I fucked your daughter! And she liked it! And she was tight!

–W. 4th & University

Overheard by: Snezhana Valdman 

Hobo: Too many Police investigations stopping you from reaching your destination? I may be homeless, but I got a brain. It may not be a big brain, but it’s usingable!

–Staten Island ferry

Overheard by: Joel Guilbert 

Hobo: Well, since you won’t give me money, one more thing. Has your sister or girlfriend, I don’t know who she is, ever told you that bag does not go with that coat? 

–45th & 9th

Overheard by: Paul Schellenberg 

Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Franlin! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! Give me some respect! 

–Union Square

Overheard by: Evan

Hobo: It’s 90 degrees out. Why are we wearing clothes? That’s mental illness.

–Rockefeller Center station

I Bet She Had Some ‘Splaining to Do

Columbia guy: So then Caroline* decided to take all of his valuables and hide them in the back room, to make it look like he’d been robbed. When he came home he, like, *freaked out* and called 911.
Columbia chick: That’s hilarious!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

Headline by: Mikey G.

Runners-Up:
· “And After He Killed Her, He Pretended to Do CPR!” — JesusFreak
· “And She Didn’t Check the Psycho Box on Match.com” — digruntled internet dater
· “He Didn’t Like His Anal Rape-Themed Surprise Birthday Party Either…” — Beartram
· “I Bet the “Just Kidding Your Place Wasn’t Robbed Sex” Was Awesome, Too.” — anonmouse
· “Turns Out There’s No Spot For “Masculinity” on Insurance Claim Forms” — Jamie

Click here to see the new Headline Contest