Archive for 2021

Warn­ing: Watch­ing Hitch Has Been Shown to Cause Sui­cide in Lab­o­ra­to­ry An­i­mals

Gui­do #1: What’re you doin’ tonight?
Gui­do #2: Goin’ to a movie wit my girl.
Gui­do #1: Mm.
Gui­do #2: Goin’ to see Hitch.
Gui­do #3: Hitch? Is­n’t that a chick flick?
Gui­do #2: I said my girl asked me to take her to a movie.
Gui­do #3: Oh. Al­right.
Gui­do #2: I ain’t seein’ the fuckin’ movie by my­self.

–R train

Over­heard by: blues­dog

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Schooled

Pro­fes­sor: So what do we know about these debt notes?” (si­lence) So what do *I* know about these debt notes, that ob­vi­ous­ly you don’t know?

–NYU Law School

Over­heard by: Ames

Pro­fes­sor: My fa­vorite words to hear are “just do noth­ing.” My sec­ond fa­vorites are “open bar.”

–Col­lege of Mount Saint Vin­cent, Bronx

En­vi­ron­men­tal his­to­ry pro­fes­sor: Look at some of the items on this menu from a ho­tel of Chica­go Thanks­giv­ing din­ner from 1872: loin of buf­fa­lo, an­te­lope steak in mush­room sauce, ham of bear, black tail deer, leg of moun­tain sheep, buf­fa­lo tongue… Miss Palin, your ta­ble is ready.

–Class­room, Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Mar­tin Van Nos­trand

Lin­guis­tics pro­fes­sor, about Span­ish-speak­ing fam­i­lies who live in Span­ish-speak­ing neigh­bor­hoods: The on­ly Eng­lish these peo­ple hear is from their land­lords and so­cial work­ers.

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Lat­ka Hero

NYU pro­fes­sor: So we’re go­ing to be walk­ing, and you’ll no­tice I walk pret­ty fast. But we’re in New York, and you’re sup­posed to walk like you know ex­act­ly where you’re go­ing in life and noth­ing is in your way. Be­cause if you slow down you’ll get mugged. (beat) It’s dog eat dog, peo­ple.

–NYU Class­room

Russ­ian lit­er­a­ture pro­fes­sor: Oh my god, you just to­tal­ly missed the point of Je­sus!

–NYU Class­room

Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

Mid­dle-Aged man: I hope we don’t get caught.
Pros­ti­tute: Don’t wor­ry, I nev­er have.

–81st & Am­s­ter­dam
Head­line by: Sean

Run­ners-Up:
· “…Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force.” — In­g­wall
· “Any Ex­tra Charge For the Lip Ser­vice?” — Hobo Whis­per­er
· “He Was Look­ing For, ”Cause Then We’d Have to Be Pun­ished…’ ” — alex
· “I’ve Got My Lucky Con­dom” — Sheri
· “Is Hugh Grant Con­sid­ered ‘Mid­dle-Aged’?” — Matthew McGuirl
· “My Par­ents Will Be Home in an Hour” — Lois
· “Skip the Con­dom. She’s Been Test­ed, Too” — Andy Adele­witz
· “Take Your Fa­ther to Work Day” — Sean Mc Grath

Hon­or­able men­tions:
· “Charge Me If You Can” — petch
· “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em (in Pub­lic)” — Heather
· “They Were Talk­ing About Their Braces.” — Al­li­son

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Pride Week, Part II

Guy: If I’m go­ing to swal­low sperm it has to be for love. That’s just how I feel, man.

–Out­side the Win­ter­gar­den The­ater

Over­heard by: Dawn-Kate

Club-hop­per: I don’t like that bar. But it’s a good scene if you want a 700-pound gay Re­pub­li­can sit­ting on your face.

–Ty­phoon, 18th & 8th

Over­heard by: Se­bas­t­ian White

Wednes­day One-lin­ers are Out in the Streets

Hobo: Shit, I’m jus’ tryin’ ta get me some pussy and a beef sand­wich.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Ja­son K

Old bag la­dy: I’m look­ing for some change, some food, or a sex­u­al part­ner.

–Lafayette & Great Jones

Hobo: I have some­thing to say! I fucked your daugh­ter! And she liked it! And she was tight!

–W. 4th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Snezhana Vald­man

Hobo: Too many Po­lice in­ves­ti­ga­tions stop­ping you from reach­ing your des­ti­na­tion? I may be home­less, but I got a brain. It may not be a big brain, but it’s usingable!

–Stat­en Is­land fer­ry

Over­heard by: Joel Guil­bert

Hobo: Well, since you won’t give me mon­ey, one more thing. Has your sis­ter or girl­friend, I don’t know who she is, ever told you that bag does not go with that coat?

–45th & 9th

Over­heard by: Paul Schel­len­berg

Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Fran­lin! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! Give me some re­spect!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Evan

Hobo: It’s 90 de­grees out. Why are we wear­ing clothes? That’s men­tal ill­ness.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter sta­tion

I Bet She Had Some ‘Splain­ing to Do

Co­lum­bia guy: So then Car­o­line* de­cid­ed to take all of his valu­ables and hide them in the back room, to make it look like he’d been robbed. When he came home he, like, *freaked out* and called 911.
Co­lum­bia chick: That’s hi­lar­i­ous!

–114th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ein La­dle

Head­line by: Mikey G.

Run­ners-Up:
· “And Af­ter He Killed Her, He Pre­tend­ed to Do CPR!” — Je­sus­F­reak
· “And She Did­n’t Check the Psy­cho Box on Match.com” — di­grun­tled in­ter­net dater
· “He Did­n’t Like His Anal Rape-Themed Sur­prise Birth­day Par­ty Ei­ther…” — Beartram
· “I Bet the “Just Kid­ding Your Place Was­n’t Robbed Sex” Was Awe­some, Too.” — anon­mouse
· “Turns Out There’s No Spot For “Mas­culin­i­ty” on In­sur­ance Claim Forms” — Jamie

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test