Archive for 2021

Wednesday One-Liners for the Great Depression

Man in pink shirt: So, I saw this homeless man, and he asked for change. I was like, ‘Man, I’m even more fucked than you are. I spent my last change on a metro card.’ And then the guy is like, ‘Well, at least you have clothes,’ and so I was like, ‘No, I borrowed this from a drama performance.’ And then he said have I eaten? I was like, ‘No, I only ate a sandwich two days ago.’ The homeless guy is like, ‘You’re right — you are worse off than me.’

–N train

Chick: You know that hobo asking for a motorcycle? He now wants dinner in the Hamptons.

–79th & Broadway

Dude: If we see a homeless guy tonight, ask him if he saw last night’s South Park.

–Manhattan-bound LIRR, Port Washington line

Chick: Let’s become homeless people so we can just stay on this train.

–Metro-North to Grand Central

Overheard by: jj

Lady on cell: Yeah, I don’t like singles… I don’t like homeless people, either. I’d give my singles to the homeless.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Beez

Queer hipster: Oh my god! Some hobo just asked if I wanted to see his pubic wonderland!

–68th & Lexington

Drunk girl to friend: I mean, he’s not, like, homeless-homeless… He’s medium homeless!

–Bleecker & Thompson

Mel Gibson’s Dad: ‘Who?’

Male lawyer #1: I’m reading this book that says Hitler’s grandfather was probably a Jewish guy his grandmother worked for as a housemaid.
Female lawyer: Can you imagine how that guy must feel, knowing that he produced Hitler?
Male lawyer #2: I think Hitler would feel worse.
Male lawyer #1: Who gives a shit how Hitler feels?

–Supreme Court, 851 Grand Concourse, Bronx

Overheard by: Big Larry

Sorry, I Meant “Shtupping.”

Seven-year-old boy: Mom, are we schlepping?
Mother: “Schlepping” is when you walk all over the place for a long time, and today we’re not doing that. So, no.

–71st St & Park Ave

And He Always Explodes Too Soon

Cute blonde: So, I thought I might like him, and we went on some fun dates, but then he shaved his head and now I can’t go out with him.
Friend: Wait — what’s wrong with him shaving his head?
Cute blonde: Well, nothing in theory, but now he looks like a terrorist.

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: uptown girl

Headline by: Sarah K

Runners-Up:
· “…Or Ghandi, Whichever.” — Johnny
· “And He Wants Me to Call Him Britney in Bed” — Sim Etrias
· “And the Anthrax in His Apartment Is No Picnic Either” — Naked Lunch
· “Oh, Whew… I Thought You Said, “tourist”” — Rhadamanthus
· “Plus, I Wouldn’t Qualify As One Of His 72 Virgins” — MarioRPG
· “Racial Profiling Is So Hot Right Now” — Fran

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Hard to Imagine Heaven without Cheese

Mother: Shit, girl. You ain’t getting no more cheese for the rest of eternity if I got anything to do with it.
Young girl, crying: I hope I die.
Mother: Well, when you die, heaven help you, they know you lactose intolerant up there, too. So no funny stuff, understand?

–B63 bus, Park Slope

Overheard by: John Proctor