Archive for 2021

Wednesday One-Liners Publish or Perish

Indian professor: No, you guys finish your work. Me and Nicole are going to talk about the X‑Men.

–Classroom, NYU

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Religious studies professor: Everyone, quiet down! I’m trying to discuss important matters here. So, professor Trelawney…

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Sarah R

Professor: I’m going to staple you to the wall, I’m not even going to tape you!

–Columbia

Stately, learned history professor: There’s this new part of the right wing called the tea baggers. (class laughs) Oh, I meant the tea party. I guess that shows where my modern interests are at.

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: Not at tea party member

Sneezing

Teenage boy: I hope you sneeze.
Teenage girl: I hope you die.

–Downtown A Train

Wednesday One-Liners Tend to Ramble On

Old man at the bar: Everyday that I wake up and see that my name isn’t in the obituaries is a good day.

–Cafe des Artistes Bar

Older woman, to friend: Then we’re going to have to do the suntan lotion thing, and that’s going to be a nightmare.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: EthanK

Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there’s a lot of old people on this train. I bet they’re all wishing they were our age again. Suckers!

–N Train

Overheard by: Hannah

Old lady, to man playing steel drums as she dances along to the music: Shalom! That was awesome, my man!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Courtney Messer

Elderly woman to elderly friends: So then Andy comes down in his bikini, and of course all the old women go crazy…

–56th & 1st Ave

Old lady looking into fancy cafe: Another shithole!

–74th near Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Old lady: Geraldine, do you want to come up later and play… With my wireless router!

–Clark & Herny

Overheard by: Lacy

Some Couples Should Fly Separately

Wife, in worried tone: What’s wrong? What are you doing?
Husband, rooting through bag: Relax, I’m looking for change, I want a bag of chips.
Wife: Oh, I want chips, I’ll go with you and pick them out. I want to stare at the wall of snacks.
Husband: There is no wall of snacks, only a vending machine. I’ll get you chips.
Wife: Okay, and maybe a brownie.
Husband: I don’t have enough, I’m getting a drink, chips are salty.
Wife: You can eat chips, then the brownie, no more thirst!
Husband: What do you want to drink?
Wife: Actually, I want ice cream.
Husband: There is no ice cream, only overpriced gelatto. 

–JFK Terminal

Overheard by: rick

Wednesday-One-Liner and Disorderly

Student: I feel like I’m drunk. Like when I was six.

–Middle School Dance, Spanish Harlem

Six-year-old girl: I drank beer once and I went crazy!

–Central Park

Dad, about his young son who has just run face-first into a chair: Don’t worry about him, he’s just drunk.

–Indian Road Cafe, Inwood

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Five-year-old boy: Next stop, wine store!

–University & 9th St

Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Alexandra

Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brooklyn

20 something blonde on cell: … Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it’s different every time, like it almost disappears… Then another time its all swinging and shit… Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mumbles.]

–LIRR

Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don’t know how to get his attention.

–A Train

Overheard by: Why MoMa?