Archive for 2021

Ah, the University of Life

Little boy: I know three things about aliens. One, they don’t have hair. Two, they don’t have mouths. Three, they don’t have privates.
20-something: Then how do you know if it’s a boy or a girl alien?
Little boy: Um, they’re not boys or girls. They’re its… Or she-males.
20-something: Where did you learn ‘she-males’ from?!
Little boy: Third Avenue.

–N train

Wifesday One-Liners

Girl checking cell: Sharon just texted me telling me she’s engorged. (phone beeps) Oh, she meant “engaged.” Either way, good for her.

–NYU Bobst Library

Overheard by: Lotte

60-year-old woman, on Chelsea Clinton wedding: She’s not that attractive; they were lucky to marry her off.

–79th St & 1st

Young woman: She can’t get deported, she is my hair stylist. I need to find a man to marry her!

–D Train

Overheard by: Emm

Hobo, eavesdropping on two female suits talking about relationships: He don’t wanna marry you? Hit him over the head with a shovel!

–Financial District

Wednesday One-Liners Regret Listening to Their Biological Clocks

Mother to screaming toddler: Stop it. This is not your day. This is my day. Don’t ruin it.

–Gourmet Garage

Southern woman to son: The WWE pose, just like we practiced in the backyard now.

–NBC Studios

Overheard by: Tracy

Mother yelling at three little well-dressed girls: Do not open that bottle of glitter! Do not! If you know glitter… (holding her arms out making a rainbow sort of gesture) Shit flies!

–Central Park

Overheard by: chellie

Very young mother to four-year-old son: Stop that! If you don’t start behavin’ I’m gonna send you in for the new model!

–R Train

Overheard by: Kait

Ghetto mom to young son running his hand along outside window while walking: Don’t do that! You gonna get germs! Yo’ hand gonna fall off!

–45th b/w 3rd & Lexington

Overheard by: Lili Von Shtupp

Very serious mother: Well, Megatron could beat Optimus because he’s stronger. But Optimus is smarter, so he can outsmart Megatron.

–East Village

Mom holding little boy’s hand: Forget everything you’ve seen today.

–Mermaid Parade, Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: Not forgetting ANYTHING we saw today