Archive for 2021

In Queens, If I Get My Way

Four-year-old boy: Dad, if I die, when will I come back?
Father: As far as I know, you won’t.
Four-year-old boy, untroubled, thoughtful: But…what if everyone dies?
Father: Well, other people will take their place. Because everyone doesn’t die at once. Know what I mean?
Four-year-old boy: Where will we put mom if she dies?
Mother, just arriving: Good grief!
Father: In the ground. In a box in the ground.

–Barnes & Noble

Advisory: These Wednesday One-Liners Contain Graphic Violence

Black lady to coworker: Girl, I got me a real bad paper cut this afternoon. Hurt like a bitch! I swears, a real bad paper cut hurts more than actually being stabbed.

–M3 bus

Overheard by: Mooka

Chick on cell: I can’t decide if I want to fuck you or push you into oncoming traffic on the BQE.

–51st & Lex

Young girl to young guy: I don’t know you yet, so you can’t hit.

–Union Square

Overheard by: So happy to have finally overheard something worth submitting!

Guy on cell: Yeah, I got a fuckin’ ass whoopin’ for him on lay away, though.

–36th & 8th

Overheard by: Jenn

Crotchety old man: The best part was when his daughter stabbed him in the neck with scissors.

–Outside AMC, Times Square

Overheard by: Max Wastler