Hipster chick: What are you listening to?
Friend: Sarah McLachlan. Are you mad? Sometimes I listen to Jewel too.
–4 Train
Archive for 2021
With a Minor in the Asstecs
Guy: So wait…what’s your major?
Girl to group of friends: Booty poppin’ bitches.
–Hunter College
Who Knew Ruxpin Would Become a Basehead?
Drunk chick #1: Look, I have, like, fucking trackmarks. It’s like a hole!
Drunk chick #2: Oh my God! It looks like a teddy bear!
–W. 4th between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Kaitlen
A Tree Grows in Wednesday One-Liners
Father to daughter: Girl, whatchu doing? You tryin’a go to cross the bridge? You tryin’a go to Brooklyn? You want some cheesecake? Some crack?
–Centre St & Park Row
Overheard by: Barry P.
NYU social planner: I wanted to get all the freshmen out of the city for a little so I took them to Brooklyn.
–Main Building, NYU
Girl on cell: I’m not going to Brooklyn sober!
–12th & Broadway
Woman on cell: So are you in town this weekend or in Brooklyn?
–39th & 8th
Overheard by: The Lovely Miss Katie
Chick: Do you know the rules for being in Brooklyn?
–Law office, 54th & 5th
Overheard by: The legal intern
Bill Batson: It’s like the Native Americans all over again. Brooklynites, we’re indigenous. And now Manhattan wants Manifest Destiny.
–Vanderbilt & Dekalb, Fort Greene, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Larissa Kyzer
Little boy: I’m not going to Brooklyn! It’s stupid!
–110th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha
Tourist: I don’t like this train line. On the L line they have benches so that you can kneel down and pray… And they don’t have crevices digging into your ass and shit.
–1 train
Tourist girl: Let’s go to the Upper Wet Side.
–Palace Theatre, Broadway
Tourist: You haven’t been raped and stabbed ’til you’ve been raped and stabbed in New York.
–Central Park
Dude with huge backpack, clutching a map: Sometimes you just don’t want to see a huge ball of twine, y’know? It’s, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vigorously.]
–Manhattan-bound L train
Middle-aged tourist on cell: No, we gotta go to Penn Central. Trust me, I know this place — we gotta get to Penn Central.
–Penn Station
Look, the Chips are Red!
Columbia student #1: Would you like a free cookie from the Columbia anti-Socialist club?
Columbia student #2: Shouldn’t that be “earn a cookie”?
–Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Mary Phillips-Sandy
Cutting a Swath Through New York’s Cockroach Population
Hoochie: I’m really not looking forward to getting up at 6:30 to go to work.
Friend: Me neither. But remember: they wanted you to be a doctor.
Hoochie: Yeah, I’m doing it because they wanted me to. I’m so angry, I’m fumigating!
–Uptown 6 train
With This ‘Ring’, I Thee Wed…
Guy: So how come we can’t try butt loving?
Girl: I’m saving it for my husband.
Guy: Are you serious? That’s like so…Victorian of you.
–Soda Bar, Vanderbilt Ave, Brooklyn
Headline by: axamendes
Runners-Up:
· “Actually, It’s More Victor/Victorian.” — Faith
· “And Calling It ‘Butt Loving’ Isn’t?” — Ante K
· “Gives New Meaning to ‘Do You Have Price Albert in the Can?’ ” — Lydia
· “I Want a ‘Brown Wedding’ ” — clarence rosario
· “I’ll Even Show You My Ankles as I Give You a Rim Job” — sara swank
· “Jane Austen’s First Draft: ‘Reader, I Butt Loved Him.’ ” — Sarah
· “Monogamy Is Such a Pain in the Ass” — Karlikitten
· “Next, on the History Channel: Felching During the Reign of King Richard” — Matt
· “Victorians Were So Anal!” — eighty4sapphire
· “Virginity, Fudged” — Sara
· “Yeah, I Know, But It’s the Only Thing Left in My Dowry” — ilemanzer
At Least Let Me Purell It First
Little boy: (making loud fake chewing noises progressively getting louder)
Mom: Quiet down now!
Little boy: But mom, look, I’m chewing my arm!
–Manhattan Express Bus #9
Overheard by: Jessica R
We Heart New York, Now More Than Ever
Black dude, yelling: I suck dick! I suck dick! I suck dick!
Brassy white chick walking past: Whatta you want, a medal? I suck dick too.
–Christopher & Bleecker
