Archive for 2021

A Tree Grows in Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fa­ther to daugh­ter: Girl, whatchu do­ing? You try­in’a go to cross the bridge? You try­in’a go to Brook­lyn? You want some cheese­cake? Some crack?

–Cen­tre St & Park Row

Over­heard by: Bar­ry P.

NYU so­cial plan­ner: I want­ed to get all the fresh­men out of the city for a lit­tle so I took them to Brook­lyn.

–Main Build­ing, NYU

Girl on cell: I’m not go­ing to Brook­lyn sober!

–12th & Broad­way

Woman on cell: So are you in town this week­end or in Brook­lyn?

–39th & 8th

Over­heard by: The Love­ly Miss Katie

Chick: Do you know the rules for be­ing in Brook­lyn?

–Law of­fice, 54th & 5th

Over­heard by: The le­gal in­tern

Bill Bat­son: It’s like the Na­tive Amer­i­cans all over again. Brook­lynites, we’re in­dige­nous. And now Man­hat­tan wants Man­i­fest Des­tiny.

–Van­der­bilt & Dekalb, Fort Greene, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Laris­sa Kyz­er

Lit­tle boy: I’m not go­ing to Brook­lyn! It’s stu­pid!

–110th & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Pre­fer Om­a­ha

Tourist: I don’t like this train line. On the L line they have bench­es so that you can kneel down and pray… And they don’t have crevices dig­ging in­to your ass and shit.

–1 train

Tourist girl: Let’s go to the Up­per Wet Side.

–Palace The­atre, Broad­way

Tourist: You haven’t been raped and stabbed ’til you’ve been raped and stabbed in New York.

–Cen­tral Park

Dude with huge back­pack, clutch­ing a map: Some­times you just don’t want to see a huge ball of twine, y’­know? It’s, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vig­or­ous­ly.]

–Man­hat­tan-bound L train

Mid­dle-aged tourist on cell: No, we got­ta go to Penn Cen­tral. Trust me, I know this place — we got­ta get to Penn Cen­tral.

–Penn Sta­tion

Look, the Chips are Red!

Co­lum­bia stu­dent #1: Would you like a free cook­ie from the Co­lum­bia an­ti-So­cial­ist club?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent #2: Should­n’t that be “earn a cook­ie”?

–Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: Mary Phillips-Sandy

With This ‘Ring’, I Thee Wed…

Guy: So how come we can’t try butt lov­ing?
Girl: I’m sav­ing it for my hus­band.
Guy: Are you se­ri­ous? That’s like so…Victorian of you.

–So­da Bar, Van­der­bilt Ave, Brook­lyn
Head­line by: ax­a­m­endes

Run­ners-Up:
· “Ac­tu­al­ly, It’s More Victor/Victorian.” — Faith
· “And Call­ing It ‘Butt Lov­ing’ Is­n’t?” — Ante K
· “Gives New Mean­ing to ‘Do You Have Price Al­bert in the Can?’ ” — Ly­dia
· “I Want a ‘Brown Wed­ding’ ” — clarence rosario
· “I’ll Even Show You My An­kles as I Give You a Rim Job” — sara swank
· “Jane Austen’s First Draft: ‘Read­er, I Butt Loved Him.’ ” — Sarah
· “Monogamy Is Such a Pain in the Ass” — Kar­likit­ten
· “Next, on the His­to­ry Chan­nel: Felch­ing Dur­ing the Reign of King Richard” — Matt
· “Vic­to­ri­ans Were So Anal!” — eighty4sapphire
· “Vir­gin­i­ty, Fudged” — Sara
· “Yeah, I Know, But It’s the On­ly Thing Left in My Dowry” — ile­manz­er

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