Guy #1: I’m not a very social person.
Guy #2: Join the club.
–Office, 29th & 7th
Archive for January, 2022
Wednesday One-Liners Involve a Lot Of Concentration
Film Nazi: The Holocaust did give us some good movies.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Tom and Katie
Suit on cell : And they were playing loud Nazi music.
–Lincoln Center
Hip dude on cell, very casually: Sieg heil, my friend, sieg heil.
–Queens.
Girl: If it’s about the Holocaust, it’s going to get me hard… Not where I was going with that.
–55th & 3rd
Overheard by: seeareuh
How Do You Think I’ve Been Getting Drinks?
Drunk girl: No, really, how drunk are you?
Sober guy: Very drunk.
Drunk girl: Really?
Sober guy: Oh, shit, you totally just flashed that guy your vagina!
–E train
Wednesdays Pray Their One-Liners Don’t Go Condo
Middle-aged woman to others: Just because she’s got her own apartment, she thinks she has it all together.
–Near NYU
Overheard by: Eric
20-something guy to another, about his apartment: All I want to do in my apartment is die.
–Fort Greene, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dodd Loomis
Woman on cell, walking briskly: There was blood all over the apartment…
–E 9th St b/w 1st & 2nd Ave
Cashier to male shopper: Dude, your apartment is rent-stabilized and you have food stamps? You are so rich!
–Whole Foods, Houston & Bowery
20-something trendy Jonas Brother-looking dude on cell: No, I sleep on the couch that’s in the kitchen. (short pause) I’ll tell you about my apartment later.
–9th Ave b/w 14th & 15th
Overheard by: Dash
It’s a Tale As Old As Time
Preppy blonde: And I would be in the alley, all secret… And then out of nowhere people in the street would hear “Fuck yeah – crack!” coming from the alley, and then the police would come, and I would totally be saying goodbye to my chances at Yale.
Tiny brunette friend: Yeah, totally.
–82nd & York
It’s the Adjective That Describes the Instrument With Which I’m Going to Kill This Girl Behind Us
Girl, talking loudly on cell: Oh my God! I can’t wait ’til I get home to smoke a blunt. No, seriously, I can’t wait!
Young child in front of her: Mommy, what’s a blunt?
–Arrival flight, LaGuardia Tarmac
Overheard by: No you didn’t!
That Stone was Pure Gall
Guido #1: She was givin’ me lip, so I returned the favor by pissing on her face.
Guido #2: For real dog, that’s what you gotta do.
Guido #1: I had to go anyways, so it was really two birds and a stone.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Scotty H
Crack Is Back/ Food Is Whack
Woman, yelling into cell: Why you gotta be eatin’ all my food for? You a damn crackhead, you don’t need no damned food!
Woman sitting next to her, shaking his head: Yeah, food is whack.
–M60 Bus
Overheard by: RickyB
Rumsfeld: At Gunpoint, if Need Be
Professor: Most democracies usually don’t go to war with other democracies.
Student: Then all countries should become democracies, right?
–Political Philosophy class, Baruch College
Overheard by: Beerinder
The Keebler Elves Hooked Me Up
Manager: How did you make those sandwiches so fast?
Sandwich guy: Performance-enhancing drugs.
–Subway, 23rd & Madison
Overheard by: Jonathan
