Archive for May, 2022

Was That Hobo Urine on the Ground? Now I’m Ecstatic

Drunk queers: Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the waaay!
Jaded teen, to no one: I’m in hell. This is my hell.
Drunk queers: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a no-horse big subwaaay!
Black queer: Come on! Everybody! Jingle bells! Jingle bells! [Train comes to abrupt stop and all carolers fall over.]Jaded teen: Was that karma? I think that’s karma. Now I’m happy again.

–1 train

Overheard by: Vicksburg

If the Wednesday Fits, One-Liner It

Young thug to friends: Stop, stop, stop! Stop, seriously, stop. C’mon, I’m not kidding! Seriously. I have shoe phobia!

–Metro-North Rail

Guy with shoe in hand, catching up to woman who lost it: Here you go, Cinderella!

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: thorn

Manager of ladies’ shoe store: It’s easy to close. You put the hooker boots – all this hoochie stuff, with the hooker boots, you put the flats with the flats, you put the day shoes with the day shoes. Now, Narnia over there is another story…

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Sarah R

Chick to guy: If you buy me Jimmy Choos, I’ll have your baby.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Lets hope she’ll have the baby anyway…

Four-year-old girl stepping out of taxi: Mommy, can we go online to buy shoes today?

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: …wow.

At Least He’s Honest

Little girl: Daddy, what’s wrong with Chinese people? Why do they never smile?
Dad: It’s because they’re robots.
Little girl: What about black people? Are black people robots?
Dad: No, not that I’m aware of.

–4 train

Overheard by: Audrey

How Do You Think I Got Into That Sorority?

Girl #1: I want to get pregnant in March. Let’s get pregnant in march.
Girl #2: Wait, where are we now?
Girl #1: My uterus is ready.
Girl #2: I had a full checkup, and my uteri are great.
Girl #1: Oh my god, you have two uteruses? You are awesome! You have utters. You have yoo-utters!
Girl #2: Yeah, I have three breasts.

–Cafe near Columbia

Overheard by: DL

What Not to Wednesday One-Liner

Middle aged JAP, speedwalking: I’m either going to buy a hat or apply for a job!

–57th & 6th

Overheard by: Miss Shush

Black man in dreads wearing a suit: You know how they say terrorists wear Casio watches? I guess that makes me the accountant for Al Qaeda.

–Central Park

Clueless woman, on Philip Treacy hat: It’s for a lamp! Yeah, it’s a lampshade!

–Alexander McQueen Exhibit, Costume Institute

Younger man on cell: Fuck t‑shirts!

–W. Square Park


The King of Terrors? I Beg to Differ

Mother, to twelve-year-old daughter: Megan! Get back here!
Four-year-old boy: Mommy, Megan is trying to cross the street cuz she hates you.
Mother, bitterly: No, Megan is trying to cross the street because she wants to get hit by a car.
Four-year-old: If you get hit by a car you’d be dead, then you have to go to the hospital.
Mother, despondent: I don’t think you even understand death.

–Broadway