Dude #1: What’s karma?
Dude #2: I think it’s the stuff they put in chocolate bars.
Dude #1: That’s peanuts, you dipshit.
Dude #2: What kind of chocolate bars are you eating?
–F train
Archive for 2022
…Why’re People Staring at Us?
Youngblood thug #1: Yo, I just came from the doctor and my shit was just violated.
Youngblood thug #2: Nigga, what you talkn’ bout?
Youngblood thug #1: He just grabbed my shit and told me to cough.
Youngblood thug #2: Yo dick?
Youngblood thug #1: Yeah, nigga!
Youngblood thug #2: Get the fuck outta here.
Youngblood thug #1, depressingly: Yeah, nigga.
Middle aged thug: That shit ain’t nothing. I had a colonoscopy or whatever the fuck it’s called.
Youngblood thug #1: What the fuck is that?
Middle aged thug: I don’t know, but the nigga went up my ass.
Youngblood thug #1 and #2: What the fuck?
Middle aged thug: Nah, but I’m not gonna front, though that shit tickled at first.
–Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
San Francisco, Maybe
Pretty tourist #1: Do you think they’ll ever have the Tour de France in New York?
Pretty tourist #2: No, you moron. (beat) There aren’t enough hills.
–47th & 7th, Fashion District
Overheard by: Zac
From the Ray Cutting-Room Floor
Aggressive salesman: You need sunglass!
Man: No, I don’t think so.
Aggressive salesman: You need sunglass!
Man: I’m blind! I do not need…
Aggressive salesman: You need sunglass! Everybody need sunglass.
–St Mark’s Place
Overheard by: j
I’m Your Baby Daddy
Girl on cell: …so I was like, mad drunk or whatever, and the next thing I know this guy’s like, “Oh my God! Steph! I haven’t seen you in forever!” and I’m like, “Who are you?”
–Penn Station
That, and Blasting That Music at All Hours
Suit #1: I had to dig a four foot trench last weekend.
Suit #2: Why?
Suit #1: Well, we’re putting a waterfall into my swimming pool.
Suit #1: That’s why they invented Mexicans.
–Trinity Place
Overheard by: B‑tron
The Closest M.J. Would Ever Come to Saying “I’m Gay”
Bus driver, upon seeing a rainbow: Out the right side there is a beautiful rainbow.
Man in the back of the bus: Michael Jackson did that! He probably starting singing “over the rainbow” and God made one appear!
–Berry & N 7th
Overheard by: Bean
Was That Hobo Urine on the Ground? Now I’m Ecstatic
Drunk queers: Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the waaay!
Jaded teen, to no one: I’m in hell. This is my hell.
Drunk queers: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a no-horse big subwaaay!
Black queer: Come on! Everybody! Jingle bells! Jingle bells! [Train comes to abrupt stop and all carolers fall over.]Jaded teen: Was that karma? I think that’s karma. Now I’m happy again.
–1 train
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Your Editors Find Themselves Drunk With All the Possiblities
20-something girl to friend: You can’t be serious!
Friend: Tasteless clear liquid, I’m telling you what.
20-something girl: Hey, are you in jail? Are you on fire? Then shut the hell up!
–Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Victoria Lynne Blakeman
Explain the Assless Chaps, Then
Fat lady walking Pit Bull: The cop told me I have to put a muzzle on my dog.
Friend: Are you?
Fat lady: Hell no. Does my dog look like he’s into kinky shit?!
–115th & Broadway
Overheard by: nassah
