Archive for 2022

The Literal Opposite of “#1 Dad”

Guy #1: Bitches are all emotional, guys use their head. That is why I call emotional guys “bitches.”
Guy #2: Word.
Guy #1: But bitches are crazy, they will call the cops on you now. They will slap themselves in the face and when the cops show up they will point at you.
Guy #2: Fo’ sho’.
Guy #1: That is why I ain’t got no kids. I don’t want a bunch of my seed running around and people calling me a scumbag because I don’t take care of my kids. Bitch will turn on you for that child support.
Guys #2: I know my girl ain’t gonna be doing that because she know I’m only making minimum wage.

–1 train

Wednesday One-Liners and the Political Process

Hobo: There’s a Republican in Greenwich Village! [Sirens sound nearby.] Better watch out!

–W 12th & 8th

Overheard by: nyamelia

Excited man on cell: It’s a White House colonic!

–17th & 6th

Seven-year-old girl with silent parents: Spitzer won! Spitzer won! Spitzer won!

–8th Ave, Park Slope

20-ish guy on cell: What do you mean, ‘Bush will get re-elected in ‘08’? Didn’t you go to fuckin’ grade school and learn about the two term limit on the presidency? Okay, yeah, I’ll be over for dinner tonight… Love ya, Mom! Bye!

–W 41st & 7th

Hipster dude to another: That girl told me she was a Republican, and I fucked her in the ass all night long. That was the best ass sex I ever had.

–Clinton St & 3rd Pl, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Terry

Customer: I’d like a grande hazelnut latte and a new president.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Grady

Wednesday Wears the One-Liners in This Family

Southern tourist in pink pants: I don’t see anybody else wearing pink pants around here!

–73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Girl on cell, wearing leggings and a t‑shirt: Oh, shit, I forgot to put on pants again.

–Columbia University

Lady in corner stall: Damn, I done sweated through my pants!

–Restroom, 1 Liberty Plaza

Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: bih.

Thug: I’m the only playa in the hood with his pants on his waist!

–10th & Ave B

Overheard by: Kayla K

Conductor over intercom: Attention, all crew members! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Larry, you got yo’ pants?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Geologist

Wednesday One-Liners. (Allegedly)

Snooty female 30-something to friend: Pap-smears are, to me, the new fake eyelashes.

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: ianbobian

Aggressive New Yorker: So he pulls out his fucking fake-ass parking pass, and I pull out my gun. And I’m like “you still wanna park here, asshole? Go ahead!”

–60th St & Broadway

Screaming drunk girl to slightly sober guy: If you’re going to be fake to me, at least be fake to my face!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Really!?!?

Girl on cell: Okay, call me when you’re done entertaining the fake Jews.

–Cafe, Church & Walker

Loud woman: No, it was a fake. I’d have to like, sleep with him to get the real one, you know?

–Hester & Mott

Overheard by: Jensel