Archive for 2022

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Maximum Occupancy

Professor: All the buildings in Florence are five stories high, because they were built before elevators, and that’s how many stories you can walk up with groceries before you die.

–Fordham University

20-something tourist girl to family, about subway: It’s like an elevator, but opposite.

–N Train

Bimbette: I, like, ran into them in the elevator and they, like, literally gang-banged me.

–Astoria

20-something woman: Do you think he ever found out I didn’t fall down an elevator shaft?

–F Train

There’s Nothing Like a Staten Island Banana Split

Man #1: So I’m lookin down there, and I see my girlfriend tugging at her crotch.
Man #2: Why?
Man #1: Well, it turns out she was masturbating with a banana, and she squashed it and it exploded inside of her! Haha!
Man #2: That’s completely disgusting, your girlfriend is a freak and you should reconsider licking her butt, like you said you do for her.

–Staten Island

Overheard by: TOOBxSOCKS

If You Can’t Do the Time, Don’t Do the Wednesday One-Liners

Woman: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe I’m being charged in connection with this crime. I mean she’s the one – she’s the one who committed manslaughter.

–Elevator, Macy’s

Cashier girl: You know, we haven’t gotten robbed in a while. I can’t believe it!

–Blockbuster, 94th & Broadway

Man: If I had anything to say him it would be this: prison is going to be hard on you because fraud is a crime!

–E train platform, 14th St

Overheard by: Cameron Rose 

Dude: I’m just glad to be off the FBI’s Most Wanted list. 

–Bleecker & MacDougal

Guy on cell: Guess who I interviewed today? This guy got sent to jail twice for sodomy…I had to call him back after I read that…But at least he’s not, like, a thief or something. I bet those two tear drops were for the guys he fucked.

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation nation

20-Something guy: It wouldn’t look good on your job application if you got arrested.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Kathy 

Cop, arresting a man: I understand that, but you know it’s not really about being a good guy or being a bad guy. It’s about you taking that nice woman’s wallet.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: SUSAN

Larry Craig’s Pick-Up Lingo Gets More Cryptic Every Year

Drunk in bathroom to guys at urinals: You have any gum?
(one by one, everyone at each respective urinal says no)
Drunk, yelling in disappointment: Man! This is a gumless place! (walks out)

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Walter macIndoe