Girl #1: Why don’t you know these things?
Girl #2: Because I don’t read.
–123rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Fatty McFingers
Archive for 2022
Yeah, but I Can’t Remember Who To
Dude #1: So, when did you get married?
Dude #2: I got married four weeks ago, in Vegas!
Dude #1: Really?
Dude #2: Yeah. Apparently Elvis wasn’t wearing any underwear when he married us, and some of the guests saw Little Elvis.
Dude #1: Ugh, bummer, dude! Are you sure you’re really married?
–1 train
Overheard by: LG
Only the Resultant Brain Damage Makes It Bearable
Young male suit, about colleague getting married and moving: It’s like she’s taking this huge dive…
Young female suit: Off the high dive, into the shallow end.
–Hanover Square
Overheard by: anonanonanon
Mortal Wednesday One-Liners
Loud old lady: I pray for death every day, because if you pray for death, you will never die.
–Metro-North train
Guy giving directions to friend: I think it’s near the corner where we saw that lady get killed.
–W 32nd St, near 6th Ave
Overheard by: Personally, I would avoid that corner.
Man on cell: No, you have to hide the body.
–33rd & Madison
Overheard by: alex
Man on cell: I don’t know! He just called me up and said that I owe him 50 grand and that he’s coming to kill me… Yeah, I told him I have no idea what he’s talking about, but he said he’s coming to kill me anyway.
–77th & Broadway
Man, about his time in halfway house: Murderers are just the nicest people, you know? I mean, they really understand human suffering.
–F train
Shabby guy on cell: Why should I be the only man that never died from a piece of ass?
–55th & Madison
Where Are They Now?: Mr. Drummond
Hobo: Where the fuck is Park Avenue? What is going on? What the fuck? Where the fuck is Park Avenue?
Girl: If you just take a right at the next street and keep going, you’ll hit it.
Hobo: I don’t fucking care! If I had a gun I’d fucking shoot you! Pow!
–87th & 2nd
If Your Father Hadn’t Slapped Me, You Wouldn’t Have Been Born
Old woman: Mom, look at this bag. Isn’t it cute?
Really old woman: Ewww! No!
She slaps her daughter’s wrist.
Really old woman: It’s ugly! That color! You have no taste!
Old woman: Jeez, Mom. I just thought it would be a nice bag for spring. You didn’t have to slap me.
Really old woman: Now I won’t have to look at it! Or you!
–Lord and Taylor
One of Them British Words Made Up by Nancy Stouffer
Guy: Naw, naw, I read that he died.
Girl: J.K. Rowling is a woman, and she’s not dead; she just wrote this book.
Guy: Naw…you sure? I really think I read that he died.
Girl: No! Anyway, she said that in the wizarding world, Muggles–
Guy: Muggles? Oh, is that one of those British words?
Girl: No, it’s just a word she made up.
Guy: Right, and we wouldn’t understand it here, because it’s one of them British words.
–M train
Overheard by: Kev
Because Technically, White Is Just the Absence of Race
Puerto Rican girl: Wwhy you all cut that island in half? You racist against the niggas on the other half? They your neighbors!
Dominican girl: I know, right? It’s the hatred. Like, you all be racist against white people…
Puerto Rican girl: Yeah, but everyone is racist against white people. That don’t count!
–6 train
Overheard by: JS
Headline by: Zorak
Runners-Up:
· “Better to Be the Hater Than the Haiti” — madfigs
· “Just Like Proper Grammar.” — Jo
· “The Original ‘I Have a Dream’ Speech…” — Rahul Advani
· “White People: They Can Do That?” — Kiki Malibu
· “White People Would Have Weighed In, but They Were Golfing” — s h
That’s More of a Reflection on You
Head waiter: I’m sorry sir, but you can’t smoke in here.
Cigarette guy: I can’t smoke in here? Next thing you’ll tell me I can’t fuck in the bathroom.
–Cipriani’s, 42nd Street
Overheard by: trey constant
*Raises Hand*
Customer: Yeah, can I get one for the movie where the girl’s vagina has teeth?
Box office cashier: Sorry, sir, this show’s sold out. The next one’s at 8:25.
Customer: Sold out? How many people actually want to see a movie where a girl’s vagina has teeth?
–City Cinemas, 12th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: SplendidConfusion
