Archive for 2023

Wednesday One-Liners Like to Think of It As Borrowing

Young boy to another, whispering: I’m gonna knock you off ‚and then I’m gonna steal your M&Ms.

–FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: amused tourist

Cabbie: Something wicked just crossed my mind. One dark night I’m going to come here and steal all the stop signs.

–Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: Suriya

Angry queer suit as a Honda’s car alarm goes off: What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Nobody would ever try to steal that piece of shit!

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: C. Gray

Thug: Look, these glasses are f’real! I bought them off a nigga who had just stolen them from the jewelry store!

–125th & Broadway

Hipster chick on cell: Why don’t you just stay at a real hotel where you can steal all the soaps and stuff?

–2nd St, between Bowery & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Jake

Little boy to little girl while nanny is distracted: I love outdoor shopping, because it’s easier to steal things!

–11th & University

Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham

Dude, I Went to High School With Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: I almost ran over Eliot Spitzer yesterday.

–66th St & Broadway

Howard Spira on cell: If I go to the funeral, it’ll make more news than Lindsay Lohan.

–The Bronx

Overheard by: the boss of nothing

40-something on cell: Zac Efron is the new James Dean.

–Universal News, 14th St

Overheard by: Jeff

Male Fordham student: I want to send howlers. Like I’d love to just send Rush Limbaugh a howler.

–Fordham University

Man to male friend: You know I think you’re a handsome guy, but if Judy Dench were a man…

–Hale & Hearty

Overheard by: Lana


Don’t Complain About Your Food to a Starving Person

Chatty, obnoxious girl #1: My last relationship was a disaster. He just didn’t treat me well. He was very disrespectful. How is your man doing?
Chatty, obnoxious girl #2: I don’t know. He says he loves me, takes me out all the time, is always calling and paying for everything. He even writes me long romantic notes and spends time with me whenever he can. It’s just kind of lame, you know? I just told him I loved him to shut him up.

–E Train

Overheard by: Xander

So Now I Only Date Married Guys

NYU girl: So, how did your date go with Hank?
NYU girl #2: You know how most girls, when they meet a guy they really like, start thinking about marriage, a picket fence, and having two kids? Well, when I meet a guy I like, I think about how we’ll start dating, he’ll cheat on me, and we’ll break up. Then I’ll have wasted two years of my life.

–NYU Library

The Most Interesting Man in the World Is Pretty Fucking Spoiled

Annoying woman on the subway #1: Is it because of my job that he don’t want to talk to me?
Annoying woman on the subway #2: Yo, you listen to me. It don’t matter if you workin’ the corners way downtown or makin’ some money on some Wall Street shit. He shouldn’t care that you’re an exotic dancer.
Annoying woman on the subway #1: You know what? You’re damn right! I mean, sure he don’t like me showin’ my behind in front of otha men; but his last girl really did work the corners! So he just just shut the fuck up and deal with it.

–1 Train


Wednesday One-Liners Follow Their Bliss

Drunk girl: I remember the bouncing, I remember the moaning, I just can’t remember the name.

–Cooper 35, Astor Place

Overheard by: dan

Gay man: I went there to get spiritual, and I came back all ‘Boys, boys, boys.’

–5th Ave & 11th St

Chick on cell: This is one of those moments when polyamory would really come in handy, huh?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl talking to herself: I am not a ho — I took the lie detector test, and it told you I was not a ho so stop calling me that.

–1 train

Overheard by: will

Chick: She had, like, 20 brothers and sisters because her dad was Haitian and he just kept sleeping with people…

–Subway bar, 60th & Lex

Chick: This year I am going to try and not make out with both Samatha and her boyfriend.

–W 53rd between 9th and 10th Ave

Overheard by: Still Laughing

I’ll Explain on the Way

Daughter: Where are we going?
Mother: We’re going to the 2nd Ave deli on 3rd Ave.

–44th b/w7th & 8th